October 30th, 2001

October 30, 2001 on 3:12 pm | In Brandeis, Life Updates, Modern Technology, The Lex Files

Column Generator: My sister emailed me this web site. It generates Dave Barry columns with some Mad Libs-style input from you.

In other news, I start on the lower teeth tomorrow. As faithful readers of this blog know, I’ve been using Crest WhiteStrips to give myself a brand new smile. And this afternoon, I’ll do the last “top row” strip, and that means that the lower row whitening process begin tomorrow.

Also:I have an exam in the Real West Wing today. Which is a course taught by a former member of President Clinton’s cabinet, Anne F. Lewis. What’s funny is, if the exam were to be true to the course and what we’ve learned in it so far, it would include questions like:


Anne F. Lewis thinks President Clinton was a good president: True or False

(True)


Anne F. Lewis thinks the current administration could be improved by replacing it with the ________ administration.

(Clinton)



We’ll see.

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    October 28th, 2001

    October 28, 2001 on 4:55 pm | In Brandeis

    So now, after the whole “getting banned from the newspaper I wrote for” fiasco, I’ve written an extra column in lieu of the censored one. Wanna read it?

    Laundry day sucks. (Today sucked. Ergo, today was laundry day.) I just hate the going back and forth between home and the laundry room over and over again. If I had a laundry room in my house, I would do the laundry every other day. I would do your laundry on the days in between. Some day.


    Some day.

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    Censored

    October 26, 2001 on 4:21 pm | In Brandeis

    Hey, I got censored!

    More specifically, I got a column entirely banned by my editor at the Justice. I see where she’s coming from, but I can’t just let a column be silenced. So, to see my most recent — AND NEVER PRINTED — column, look here!

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    October 26th, 2001

    October 26, 2001 on 4:05 am | In Life Updates

    My cold has been going on too damn long. I’ve had a fever on and off for days, but I think that’s finally done with. But colds suck, which I think I mentioned last time.

    I’ve been using Crest WhiteStrips to whiten my teeth. Not that my teeth are some ugly shade of yellow, but they’re normal, 20+-years-old teeth, and those aren’t the white of an albino baby’s behind my friend. Here’s the thing about the WhiteStrips:


    They work.


    Now, unfortunately, you’re supposed to whiten your upper teeth before you whiten your lower teeth; so there’s a two-week process during which your mouth is a mini-rainbow, with white-as-light rows of teeth on the top, and then my regular plain-Jane teeth on the bottom. The problem is that right now, during this interim stage, my upper teeth are making my lower teeth look A LOT WORSE in comparison. The lower teeth are “normal,” but in comparison to “whitened,” they’re like plaque-filled impacted cavities of death.


    But the real question is: How come you can call eyes “baby blues,” but you can’t call teeth “baby whites”? Science?

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    October 22nd, 2001

    October 22, 2001 on 4:10 pm | In Brandeis, Life Updates

    I’m sick.

    I have what Dave Barry would call Martian Death Flu. My head hurts, my throat hurts, my body is sore, my nose is sometimes stuffed and sometimes runny, my eyes are tearing, my ears are clogged…


    Fortunately, it’s a great time for me to be sick, because I don’t have anything “big” coming up, unless you count my coffeehouse appearance tonight as 1/2 the duo “Lex and Eli,” or my radio show tonight at midnight on WBRS, or my coffeehouse appearance tomorrow night with a cappella group Spur of the Moment, or my column due for the Justice by Wednesday.


    Being sick sucks. You sit around with stupid facial expressions, slack-jawed and trying not to move once you find a somewhat comfortable position. You hurt. You ache. And perhaps worst of all, your blog’s humor value suffers.

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    Take the room down for a moment…

    October 19, 2001 on 4:43 am | In Life Updates

    My housemate Brian was driving on 95 yesterday when the car in front of him slammed on the brakes. Brian was forced to slam on HIS brakes, too. Just as he was thinking, “Gee, that was close and unfortunate,” a third car slammed into him from behind, going very fast.

    A book slammed into his head (it had been on the dash) (the book I mean); his cell phone flew from his hand and split in half; stuff in the front seat flew into the back seat; his bumper was crushed; his gas gauge broke; he got whiplash; he got very scared.


    The car who hit him drove off into the night.


    A couple thoughts: First, that sucks. What an understatement. Second, Brian, I’m thrilled you’re okay and you’re the best. Third, wear your seatbelt. Every time.


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    October 17th, 2001

    October 17, 2001 on 1:09 pm | In Brandeis, Lauren

    I hate when you wake up tired.

    Well, to be truthful, I don’t give a crap when you wake up tired. But I hate it when I do. It’s a complete failure of the system when you wake up tired. You just left your eyes closed for hours (in this case, between 7 and 8!), did the subconscious thing, and when you wake up — still need sleep.


    What more could I have done? Seriously?

    Lauren always comes in each morning when she’s all ready to leave and wakes me up to say goodbye for the day, since our schedules so rarely coincide — and since she leaves earlier than I do most days. I love those wake-ups, because I look at the clock and know I have an hour or an hour or sometimes even two hours left!


    This happened this morning. But then the Lord, in one of His oh-so-mysterious ways, decided that He should make those two hours last for only seven seconds, because I’m certain that’s how long it was before He made my alarm clock go off to wake me up for the day. So for those of you wondering what happened between 6am and 8am EST — sorry. My bad. Or, maybe, His.*


    *Note: If that joke is sacrilegious, then bite me.

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    October 16th, 2001

    October 16, 2001 on 4:48 pm | In Brandeis

    New column. Long day

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    October 15th, 2001

    October 15, 2001 on 2:11 am | In Brandeis, The Lex Files

    Man oh man. I think I need to keep a separate, anonymous blog somewhere else on the web.

    Or am I doing so already??? The world may never know.

    See, the problem is, sometimes I just want to complain (read: whine) about stuff, but too many people read my blog and might put two and two together to realize that I think someone out there should go “four”k themselves.


    Is that joke to risque for this blog? Nah. My parents are on a cruise right now, they’ll probably skim right over it when they come back.


    But the point is, tonight’s Blog entry has been self-censored because the things I want to complain about could come back to bite me in my (all-too-sensitive) butt, and I can’t let that happen.

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    October 11th, 2001

    October 11, 2001 on 9:30 pm | In Food

    Today is my four month anniversary of giving up Coke. (The soda, not the illicit substance, but I do consider both drugs.) (And I still haven’t given up the illicit substance.)

    My Cola Revolution was largely silent. I didn’t publicize the dietary shift. Didn’t really justify it, either. I just decided one day that, you know, soda just can’t be that good for you. So I stopped drinking Coke.


    Which was hard. I used to drink one Coke a day. Okay, I used to drink 3 Cokes a day, too, but only when I was really thirst.


    Now I drink none.


    I want some, though. But I won’t. Diet Coke causes cancer, but it’s not the fat that has me Coke-free. It’s not the caffeine either. Really, it’s the carbonation.


    I just don’t think it’s so good for the body. No real reason, but it’s what I concluded.


    Man do I want a Coke, though.


    Sort of. I had a glass of Coke a couple weeks ago, and it made me feel gross. I’ve lost my tolerance, my addiction. Kool-Aide, water, and NesQuik are my friends now.


    But Coke was my lover.

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