Year gonna get it

December 31, 2002 on 1:59 am | In Funny Internet Things, Things of Amusement to Me

Last year around this time, I wrote a funny (to me) poem about how it was the end of the year, and how year-endings often involve nostalgia, transitioning, and poop. You can find it in the December 2001 archive.

This year, I thought I’d write a year-end RAP. Since you don’t have rhythm, or at least can’t hear MY rhythm, I will have to EMphasize certain words in this GANGSTA-esque rap with CAPital letters, shorty.

Yo, homeSLCIES, don’t think TWICE as
LEX in FX is here to do a song a little LIKE this
So gather round the monitor,
Get your mouse ready for scrollin’
Cause a-down memory lane, we’s about to start STROLLIN’.

The year is UP, the year is DONE
We’re just tick-tocks away from good ol’
January ONE.
The ball is a-DROPPIN’, we’s all party HOPPIN’,
cause ain’t no party STOPPIN’, keep the firecrackers POPPIN’,
No time left for Christmas SHOPPIN’,
That bunny’s ears are FLOPPIN’,
All the police are out COPPIN’,
A sponge is used for SOPPIN’,
As all the dancin’ babes are BOPPIN’, And the street cleaners are MOPPIN’,
Soon, 2-double-0-3 will be TOPPIN’
That composer’s name ain’t pronouced CHOPIN’
The farmers are out CROPPIN’
Van Gogh tried ear LOPPIN’,
And speakin’ of EARS, we’re close to NEW YEAR’S, so clink cups and say CHEERS as we down a few BEERS,
But yo, SHED NO TEARS,
Cause you ain’t in arREARS,
(Unless you’re inVESTING, which wouldn’t be the best thing, or unless you worked for WorldCom, which wouldn’t quite be Da Bomb)
(Or you’re Enron’s ex-EO,
In which case, gee, uh-oh)
But OTHER than THAT, I guess THINGS must be PHAT
(Which by the WAY just means GOOD if you AIN’T from the HOOD, and by HOOD I mean “urban area,” which by the by RHMES with “turban malaria.)

So it’ll be a good 03
If you stick with ME
Lex in FX rappin’ through your PC
We’re rockin’, and ROLLIN’, and hippin,’ and HOPPIN’,
And if you think I’m gonna let that rhyme sequence start up again, well, you’re WRONG,
As the CLOCK ding-DONGs
I close my song
Happy NEW year to ALL, and spread my WISHES to ANOTHER,
And oh, P.S., babe, WORD to your MOTHER.

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    Two Thumbs Up… My Nose

    December 29, 2002 on 6:13 am | In Family, Movies

    Ever see the movie Snatch?

    Don’t.

    With the sole exception of this movie’s one-time showing, my visit with the NJ in-laws and company has thus far been top-notch.

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    Snow Jersey

    December 26, 2002 on 9:33 pm | In Family

    I’m here in New Jersey visiting my future in-laws.

    (Side note: Am I the only person around who hyphenates word phrases at random when knowing that something’s gonna be hyphenated later in the sentence? I originally wrote sentence one of this post as “I’m here in New-Jersey visiting my future-in-laws.” This happens to me all the time. Not the New Jersey part.)

    There’s snow all over the ground here, although today is much sunnier than yesterday. I haven’t seen precipitate like this in MONTHS. The last time I saw so much stuff fall from the sky… Well, it must’ve been Tucson.

    Hahahahahaha.

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    Christmas Eve!

    December 25, 2002 on 2:29 am | In Funny Internet Things, Things of Amusement to Me

    Now ’tis the night before Christmas, but I have the blues
    Along with dozens more observant Jews
    The weather is snowy, the temperature cold
    And all of these carols are sure getting old
    “We wish you a” this, and “Silent” that
    And the bearded red fellow who’s also quite fat
    I can’t take anymore of all this Christmas cheer
    Keep your egg nog! Get me Manischevitz and beer!
    No Jesus, no pine tree, no stockings? No care!
    Wintry gift-giving holiday? Done that! Been there!
    Hannukah’s my day, as for Ross (but not Chandler)
    (For more famous Jews, please see songs by A. Sandler)
    So anyway, Christians, please go have your fun,
    Honoring the rabbi-esque fellow whom you call God’s son.
    Me, I’ll study the Torah, separate my milk from cheese…
    Or maybe, I’ll pop in a movie and order Chinese.

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    Christmas Eve Eve

    December 24, 2002 on 12:31 am | In Funny Internet Things, Things of Amusement to Me

    Twas the night before the night before Christmas,
    And all through the apartment complex,
    Poets were pounding out poems on their computer keyboards
    Which lacked rhythm, but were earning them big checks.

    Because the night before the night before Christmas
    Had become a massive greeting card selling day
    And every single greeting card sold by Hallmark et al
    Would earn the companies, and the apartment poets, pay

    But the problem that the poets encountered each year
    Was the lack of poetry in ‘the night before the night before Christmas’
    And year after year, after year after year, after year after year,
    Each poet said, “Now how the heck am I gonna get out of this mess?”

    So the night before the night before Christmas,
    (Or Christmas Eve Eve, as some call it)
    Has ever been a day of both anticipation AND frustration
    Since it’s really hard to write metered poems with such long phrases in them, trust me.

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    Things That Suck:

    December 23, 2002 on 3:52 am | In Life Updates

    Having to find street parking after 5pm on a weekday

    Double coupons that STILL don’t save as much as just buying the darn generics

    Gas prices

    Not being a millionaire

    People in the express lane with way over the 12 item limit

    Carbon monoxide poisoning

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    Kabob and Chinese Food

    December 22, 2002 on 8:20 pm | In Food, Lauren

    That’s a funny name for a restaurant.

    I had dinner there tonight with Lauren and our Brandeis friends Robbie and Ali. It reminded me very much of being at school, except for the finals, the studying, the homework, the cafeteria food, etc. One collective thing that really came rushing back, as intense as a memory could get, were the names of all the people who I hate(d) at Brandeis, whose existence I had somewhat forgotten.

    You know who you are. Or you don’t. But I don’t care.

    Special note to Brandeis: Thanks for offering your first-ever BA in Creative Writing starting next year. I appreciate that.

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    You spend all those hours…

    December 20, 2002 on 11:16 pm | In Television, The Lex Files

    I’m writing a lot right now. Not at this second — at this second I’m writing this, but overall, I’m writing plenty. I have a Malcolm that I’m rewriting, a West Wing that I’m rewriting, a Raymond in outline form, and a Law and Order brewing.

    What I love about Law and Order, of course, is that beautiful formula:

    SCENE ONE
    Happy innocent people walk along the way. HOLY KLABAMMO! A DEAD BODY!!!

    SCENE TWO
    Detectives on the scene. The black detective examines one small aspect of the body and finds copious evidence. The Jerry Orbach character makes a pun about the dead guy. Not an especially creative one, as seen in these made-up examples:

    –If it’s a dead shop-owner whose store is having a sale: “Gives a whole new meaning to ‘Dead Giveaway.’”

    –If it’s a dead circus performer: “Guess he won’t be clowing around anymore… Now he’s in that Big Top in the Sky.”

    –If it’s a dead garbarge collector found in a dump truck: “Looks like the trash took him out this time.

    –If it’s a dead screenwriter: “Look, a dead screenwriter!”

    In other news…

    Virtually no one thus far has subscribed to The Lex Files. Tell me why in the comments, if you can. Is it easier to read online? More fun to check the attractive web page? Are you already inundated with email? Let me know.

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    Another day, another something…

    December 20, 2002 on 12:56 am | In The Lex Files

    Now you can subscribe to The Lex Files (see link at top of page). Which you should. If you subscribed to the OLD Lex Files, you are not automatically subscribed to the NEW Lex Files.

    Sorry.

    But by subscribing, you get many great, great benefits, including (but not limited to):

    *Knowledge of whether there’s a new post since yesterday
    *Envy of all your friends
    *Ability to see cool 100% Lex-written scripts in action
    *Amusement at the funny confirmation messages and such that the script sends out
    *Scientists have found no direct evidence that subscribing The Lex Files doesn’t prevent AIDS and certain intestinal disorders.

    What are you waiting for? Do it!

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    Over there… Over there…

    December 19, 2002 on 12:27 am | In Leth and Sex News, The Lex Files

    I’m extremely proud of my Dave Barry post over at Leth & Sex (http://lethandsex.com). Go read it.

    Also: Play with the search engine on THIS site. It’s cool. Find out what past entries contain nose, chicken, and vomit (besides this one).

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