Mike Tyson

May 30, 2003 on 2:52 am | In News

“Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson insists he never sexually assaulted the woman he was jailed for raping in 1991, but talking about her makes him so angry he wants to rape her now.”

I mean, it’s not funny, but… yeah it is.

See http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=576&e=7&u=/nm/boxingtysondc.

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    Home, oh! Use a condo!

    May 28, 2003 on 2:42 am | In Life Updates

    We bought a condo! We bought a condo! Woop woop woop! We picked up a delightful two bedroom, 1.75 bathroom condo in Culver City, but only after taking a massive amount of steroids.

    It’s a great condo — about 1100 square feet, open, airy, in a complex with a pool, a gym, subterranean parking, a 24-hour discoteque, subwater parking, a massage parlor, mezzo-forte elevator music, and hallway dancers.

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    Dog Eat Dog, You Are My Savior

    May 22, 2003 on 3:34 pm | In Television

    So, all my favorite shows are either on hiatus for the summer or cancelled. Maybe now I’ll learn how to read.

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    The Poodle Hat Review

    May 20, 2003 on 2:02 am | In Music

    Some of Al’s younger fans flock to alt.music.weird-al to discuss the Sultan of Satire and all sorts of things related (and not-so-much-related) to his music. I was once a part of that cirlce, and I don’t mock them for the devotion to music they love not because it’s irreverent — but rather because it’s acknowledging you can be successful and impressive without needing to take yourself too seriously.

    Because some fans tend to assign almost-mythical qualities to their heroes, a subset of Al’s younger, net-savvy, addicted/crazed audience tends to tear apart each new album as weak, lacking, and paling in comparison to its predecessors. It happens every album release, and I’ve learned to ignore it. Since I’m older (six hundred and seven years), I don’t fall into that trap. I don’t have mythical expectations — just high ones.

    That said… here’s my take.

    1. Couch Potato, off Eminem’s Lose Yourself, is a great song. Al’s rapping style always satisfies. The music’s a nice match, and the lyrical pacing is top-notch. As a video-less first single, I’m concerned it’s lyric-heavy. My fellow Al fans probably can sympathize with the I anger I feel towards people who talk over Al songs that I play for them — the point is the lyrics, friend! With 4+ minute parodies featuring rapid fire lyrics, I worry some won’t pay attention to appreciate all the humor. Some jokes go very quickly if you’re not reading along.

    2. Hardware Store, the album’s first original, would be my choice for the third single. Al’s best pop-sounding harmony-heavy original to date had been “Frank’s 2000 Inch TV” — an REM style parody, and the album “Alapalooza”’s only home run. Hardware Store’s musicality is, in a word, astounding. In two words, it’s astounding perfect. In three words, “yabba dabba doo.” The lyrics work well, with clever rhymes, but the music absolutely wins you over. As has been said, the breathless bridge of items for sale at this store is just terrific. Small sample:

    Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
    Tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
    Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
    Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers

    3. Trash Day off Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” has been blasted by the fans on a.m.w-a. They take issue with the source material. Now, Nelly’s tune was the #1 song of 2002, so somebody apparently liked it. But it’s true, musically, the original — and thus, not surprisingly, the parody — lacks. The lyrics and closeness of the parody are done quite well.

    4. Party at the Leper Colony is a fair original, with better-than-fair lyrics. I wouldn’t have mixed these lyrics with this melody (which actually works better live). Since these are strung-together one-liner puns, we need fast action, and the Elvis-ish feel drags the jokes out too much. “She cried her eyes out — literally.”

    5. Angry White Boy Polka features Papa Roach’s “Last Resort,” System of a Down’s “Chop Suey,” the Vine’s “Get Free,” the Hives’ “Hate to Say I Told You So,” the White Stripes’ “Fell In Love With a Girl,” the Strokes’ “Last Nite,” Disturbed’s “Down With the Sickness,” Rage Against the Machine’s “Renegades of Funk,” Limp Bizkit’s “My Way,” Staind’s “Outside,” Kid Rock’s “Bawitdaba,” P.O.D.’s “Youth of the Nation” and Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady.” I know about three of those songs, since I don’t listen to much in the way of Angry White Boy music — I’m a Weird Al fan, as it turns out. The polka’s quality, though, is excellent, and the arrangement a delight to listen to.

    6. Wanna B Ur Lovr is said to be a style parody of the Artist Formerly Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. I don’t listen to AFKAFKP, but I do know this: “Wanna B Ur Lover” is well-executed. Mostly average lyrics with several bursts of lyrics so inspired that I laugh just recalling them… are paired with a delightful instrumentation — and a perfect delivery. It’s the delivery — the singer is so intense and full of himself, so sure that his is the bod the chick being sung to will want to accompany that night — that sells the song. I must share some lyrics:

    “My love for you’s like diarrhea —
    I just can’t hold it in.”

    Now, the whole song has a pop-funk feel, which makes the following less-than-original closing refrain all the funnier — it’s a sudden and unexpected Jamacain chorus:

    “Girl you must be Jamaican,
    Because Jamaican me crazy.” Not for pun, but for lack of fit with prince-esque style parody.

    7. A Complicated Song is delightful. Al’s given the song a key change — presumably because (Mom close your eyes) he has testicles and can’t reach some of the high notes that Avril Lavigne sings in the original “Complicated.” In Al’s three-verse, three-minisong parody, he finds himself constipated, dating a girl to whom he didn’t realize he was related, and — after an unfortunate accident on a roller coaster — decapitated. The key change makes the instrumental intro sound a bit off to my ear(s). You notice it less when the lyrics start, but the music in this parody isn’t as close a match as the other parodies on this disc or “Running With Scissors,” whose parodies’ music were stunningly close. The first verse is toilet humor, but it’s funny, so — so? I enjoy this song very much, probably because I liked the original — but I do think Al should have done something more with the bridge. He merely reproduces the lyrics — “No no no (no no) no no no (no no) no no” — etc. Don’t know what he should have done… but something.

    8. Why Does This Always Happen To Me, featuring Ben Folds in a Ben-Folds-esque style parody, is great. Very nice musically, plus very nice lyrically, yields a very nice song.

    9. Ode to a Superhero is that Spiderman-themed parody of Billy Joel’s “Piano Man,” featuring new lyrics and new accordion parts. Unlike early a.m.w-a reviewers, I find this Ode well in keeping with the excellent tradition of “Gump,” “Jurassic Park,” “The Saga Begins,” and “Yoda” — movie plot-based parodies of “Lump” by the Presidents of the United States of America, Macarthur Park, American Pie, and the Kink’s “Lola.” The song seems destined for the parody lyrics, and some lines are superb — especially if you know the movie well:

    Now Harry the rich kid’s a friend of his
    Who horns in on Mary Jane
    But to his great surprise it seems she prefers guys
    Who can kiss upside-down in the rain
    “With great power comes great responsibility”
    That’s the catchphrase of old Uncle Ben
    If you missed it, don’t worry, they’ll say the line
    Again and again and again
    Oh, la la la, di de da
    La la, di di da da dom

    10. Bob is a non-sequitur combination of palindromes, done in the style of Bob Dylan, and it is delightful to listen to.

    11. The Backstreet Boys “I Want it That Way” parody eBay is much better than I expected. It’s a little weird to do a multi-part boy band esque song by layering Al’s voice over itself, but it’s done well.

    12. Genis in France is as ambitious as “Hardware Store”, and definitely Al’s best epic. (This one’s about nine minutes, putting it right up there with RWS’s “Albuquerque” and UHF’s “Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota.”) It’s an exceptional song, beautifully arranged and impressively structured, and a spot-on Frank Zappa tribute. I’m astounded by its complexity. Plus, I have a sweet spot for rhyming words whose spellings don’t match:

    But when I’m in Provence, I get free croissants
    Yeah, I’m the guy every French lady wants
    And if you ask ‘em why, you’re bound to get this response…

    Other notes: Poodle Hat features a lot of bass-goosing vocal octavization, and it’s cool. The stereo spectrum is really taken advantage of, and the album’s production is truly an aural pleasure.

    Okay, now I promise I’ll shut up about it for awhile.

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    Penultimate Unhealthy Al Fandom Post

    May 19, 2003 on 3:32 pm | In Music

    So, I was able to get my greasy mitts on Weird Al Yankovic’s new CD “Poodle Hat,” and I will share my thoughts herein, while internally celebrating record stores that put out new discs a day too soon.

    I’ve been a Weird Al fan ever since my childhood friend Andy Beckerman introduced me to his (Al’s) music with “Fat,” Al’s famous parody of Michael Jackson’s “Bad.” At the time, I recall telling Andy — laughing — that “He shoulda done a parody called ‘GOOD!’”

    My sense of humor was still in development, so bite me.

    (Plus, “Good” could have been funny, though “Fat” is obviously an excellent song. I have realized that parodies need not be the opposite of the original, but still:

    I’ll hold your door
    Then I’ll mow the lawn
    I never leave
    The lights turned on

    I get all A’s
    And I help the poor
    I often clean
    Up cow manure    )

    Anyway, I quickly bought all the Al-bum’s on cassette. (Remember those?) When CDs went big, I rebought all his albums on CD. I bought the entire box set Permanent Record: Al In The Box when it came out, even though I owned every single track save for one on the compilation. I bought the CD singles, joined the newsgroups, got the movies, got the book, and so on. In the early 90s, I even arranged an interview with Weird Al for the teen section of the local newspaper, which I wrote for at the time.

    Anywho, the point is, I’m a big fan, and I think “Poodle Hat” is a very, very good album. I’ll post my actual review within 24 hours or so.

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    May 18th, 2003

    May 18, 2003 on 12:15 am | In Life Updates

    Update: Hahaha, the realtor for the condo we wanted to buy strung us on and lied and didn’t fax over the counter-offer because he was waiting on a better offer from someone else. I hate him, but at least it sucks a lot and annoys me.

    Oh, but he’ll burn in hell, so that’s the upshot.

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    Poodle Hat Lyrics

    May 17, 2003 on 7:08 pm | In Music

    Want to know the lyrics to Poodle Hat? I did too.

    They’re here.

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    Condo

    May 17, 2003 on 5:58 pm | In Life Updates

    We may buy a home today. Anyone have a quarter million dollars I can borrow?

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    Watching the West Wing

    May 15, 2003 on 4:53 am | In Lauren, Television, Things of Amusement to Me

    Lex: “Man, John Goodman! Did you know he was gonna be on?”

    Lauren: “Nope, not until I saw his big fat body.”

    That’s funny.

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    Dot-Coms

    May 14, 2003 on 4:14 am | In Funny Internet Things, Movies, Work

    You know you work for a dot-com that beat the bubble-burst when your company announces a Thursday trip to see the new Matrix movie.

    In the middle of the day.

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