J-Lo Putzing

July 31, 2003 on 6:11 am | In Movies

So, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’s latest ball of stank, Gigli, is predicted to tank at the box office.

And amongs the folks I know — a group which, admittedly, includes neither Lopez nor Affleck — everyone is happy with that news. We’re glad to hear the film is such filth that it features a scene captured nicely in the article linked above:

…a love scene in which Lopez spreads her legs and tells a smoldering Affleck, “It’s turkey time. Gobble, gobble.”

Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall it ain’t.

My, my. Why do we want this film to fail? Is it because we hate J-Lo? Yes. Is it because Ben started out classy, with Chasing Amy, the well-written and performed Good Will Hunting, and then leapt over to lousy blockbuster land for no good reason (Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, and The Sum of All Fears). Yes again.

But we also want it to fail because these two attention who-ngrey people are marrying each other, in a vile intertwining of fame and money that simply shouldn’t be allowed, with the his-and-her chateaus, the cars, the purple diamonds magesting all over the fruited populace forced to settle for the cheap white stuff.

Plus they do crappy crappy work as performers these days. Besides Ben’s stinkers listed above, we have J-Lo’s lyrics, if you can call them that.

A thing, a thing, a thing
Yeah, yeah, yeah
You think the money that you make
Can substitute the time you take
Take the keys here to my heart
Then you can win my heart and get what’s in my heart
I think you need to take some time
To show me that your love is true
There’s more than dollar signs in you
Then you can win my heart and get what’s in my heart

Fret not, J-Lo and Ben fans. I’m sure they will soon put this movie flop behind them. From the looks of things, Jennifer already did.

(Rim shot.)

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    Stock humor

    July 29, 2003 on 5:50 pm | In News, The Lex Files

    Plan ‘unbelievably stupid’: Guess they read my blog.

    With all the stock humor online, from office humor and jokes to whole websites dedicated to college-related humor, finding a whole bunch of funny things online is easier than ever. This even ranges from children’s humor to jokes that should only be seen by adults and such.
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    Freemont Barry

    July 29, 2003 on 3:06 am | In Things of Amusement to Me

    Good old Dave.

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    Only in America

    July 29, 2003 on 2:56 am | In News

    You’re going to say, “Lex, you’re kidding.” You’re going to say, “Lex, there’s no way The Pentagon is seriously considering a plan wherein you could ‘bet’ on which terrorist acts, attacks, and the like are most likely to occur in an effort to help the Pentagon anticipate world events — and to line some public pockets, too.”

    But I won’t hear you, because you’re far away.

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    It’s Mob-o-riffic!!

    July 28, 2003 on 3:04 pm | In Funny Internet Things

    Flash Mobs.

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    Arizona

    July 26, 2003 on 4:17 pm | In Family

    My parents live in Arizona. I don’t.

    (Now, my folks are in Tucson, and the article is about Phoenix, but you say “potato” and I say “It’s too damn hot.”)

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    Typos

    July 26, 2003 on 3:18 am | In Uncategorized

    Obbseessing over typsos is an unusual sickness, with no known cur.e To bad.

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    Search In General

    July 25, 2003 on 9:57 pm | In Funny Internet Things

    Interestingly enough, I am the top result on formererly-popular search engine Altavista for “Surgeries Gone Horribly Wrong.”

    Cool.

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    Headline Deadline

    July 25, 2003 on 2:36 pm | In News, Things of Amusement to Me

    Fire Evacuates Glacier National Park: “Brrrrr!” said the fire. “It’s so cold in this park! I’m getting the heck outta here!”

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    Floorish: The Sequel

    July 24, 2003 on 2:20 pm | In Good Stories, Life Updates

    The woodesque laminate flooring is now installed.

    During the 232-hour installation, I got a phone call from the homeowner’s association that the resident below my unit had telephoned them. The resident wasn’t angry or hostile, but wanted to know if “we” could be a bit quieter as we did whatever it was we were doing up there, because it’s been loud and some of her light fixtures were, uh, falling down.

    I told the HOA rep that I would take care of it.

    I approached one of the two floor installers, Hanz, and relayed him the message. “WE’RE NOT EVEN DOING ANYTHING!” Hanz, whose first language was distinctly not English, said. He was speaking in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS to be heard over Franz, who was running the hugely loud circular saw while wearing protective ear coverings.

    “I DON’T UNDERSTAND,” said Hanz, more honestly than perhaps he knew. “WE NOT MAKE NOISE!” As it happened, he was able to punctuate his point while working, as he literally — I swear — jumped up and down on the last ‘plank’ to be installed to make it fall into place with an insanely noisy SMACK, which was also in capital letters.

    So, last night, Lauren and I decided to present our neighbor below with a bouquet of flowers, to smooth things over with the sandpaper of life before the chipping paint of neighborly interaction became too uneven for the wallpaper of human kindess to cover up any exposed buttcracks of squatting home-repairmen.

    We rang the doorbell of the woman below us last night, and the following things happened:

    1. We woke her up.
    2. She didn’t want to open the door, because she didn’t know who we were.
    3. Thinking quickly, I said, “It’s Hanz and Franz!”
    4. Just kidding.
    5. Actually, I said, “It’s your upstairs neighbors.”
    6. Pause. I mean, Surprisingly long pause.
    7. The door opened.
    8. We explained who we were, why we were there, etc.
    9. She made no motion to take the flowers Lauren was extending towards her.
    10. I smiled, took the flowers from Lauren, and held them in the resident’s face, blocking her view of us.
    11. Lauren, taking advantage of her own shortness, snuck in and stole all the woman’s things while I blinded her with posies and what-have-you.
    12. Actually, the woman finally took the flowers, smiled, and mercifully closed the door.
    13. The police came and questioned us an hour later.

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