The Lex Files

J-Lo Putzing

So, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’s latest ball of stank, Gigli, is predicted to tank at the box office.

And amongs the folks I know — a group which, admittedly, includes neither Lopez nor Affleck — everyone is happy with that news. We’re glad to hear the film is such filth that it features a scene captured nicely in the article linked above:

…a love scene in which Lopez spreads her legs and tells a smoldering Affleck, “It’s turkey time. Gobble, gobble.”

Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall it ain’t.

My, my. Why do we want this film to fail? Is it because we hate J-Lo? Yes. Is it because Ben started out classy, with Chasing Amy, the well-written and performed Good Will Hunting, and then leapt over to lousy blockbuster land for no good reason (Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, and The Sum of All Fears). Yes again.

But we also want it to fail because these two attention who-ngrey people are marrying each other, in a vile intertwining of fame and money that simply shouldn’t be allowed, with the his-and-her chateaus, the cars, the purple diamonds magesting all over the fruited populace forced to settle for the cheap white stuff.

Plus they do crappy crappy work as performers these days. Besides Ben’s stinkers listed above, we have J-Lo’s lyrics, if you can call them that.

A thing, a thing, a thing
Yeah, yeah, yeah
You think the money that you make
Can substitute the time you take
Take the keys here to my heart
Then you can win my heart and get what’s in my heart
I think you need to take some time
To show me that your love is true
There’s more than dollar signs in you
Then you can win my heart and get what’s in my heart

Fret not, J-Lo and Ben fans. I’m sure they will soon put this movie flop behind them. From the looks of things, Jennifer already did.

(Rim shot.)