Doody

September 29, 2003 on 7:21 pm | In Life Updates

I’m currently serving my city. I got called for Jury Duty.

It took four hours to get online using their Internet stations, so I’m not wasting my precious online time with you people.

Side note: Leth & Sex is AWOL. It will B back ASAP; TIA for your cooperation, BTW. TTYL.

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    Not Broadcasting Cordially

    September 26, 2003 on 8:43 pm | In Jewish, Television, TiVo

    So, NBC tried to screw over TiVo users everywhere last night. I knew it was going to happen, and I planned accordingly, but doing this sucks.

    Basically, after supersizing Friends (which is ok if they must, though it seems like a half hour show with extra ads), NBC chose to adjust the times for other shows like ER — so they would run from, say, 9:58 to 11:01.

    This has the added advantage of convincing TiVo into thinking that if you have a 9-10pm or 11pm-12am show to record, that there’s a conflict, and one of them will be skipped, depending on your Season Pass Priorities.

    NBC can bite me.

    And, finally…

    If you’re Jewish, Happpy New Year! If you’re Christian, Merry Christmas!

    See you Monday.

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    Do Not Call. Or Do. Whatever.

    September 24, 2003 on 5:40 pm | In News, Television, Things of Amusement to Me

    So now, some Judge with his head up his you-know-what says that the FCC isn’t allowed to create a Do Not Call list. (Article here.)

    Best line of the article:

    Calls to the FTC were not immediately returned Wednesday.

    Because they were too busy fielding offers for new long distance companies.

    Also, I’ve discovered that Metamucil does not know that not everyone watches the screen during commercials. I overheard an ad today — I SWEAR:

    -Grandpa, why do you stir your Metamucil so much?
    -So it won’t be thick and goopy.

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    September 23rd, 2003

    September 23, 2003 on 3:05 am | In Things of Amusement to Me

    Dave has a new book. Buy me that one, and Al Franken’s “Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them” and I’ll be your best friend.

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    Show me the funny

    September 22, 2003 on 9:06 pm | In Funny Internet Things, The Lex Files

    I have been told by a dedicated blog reader that my posts are always funny, even the ones that I think are filled with subpar drivel that couldn’t make you laugh if they were being read in a funny voice by Jim Carrey saddle-riding a drunk sumo wrestler attempting to balance on a unicycle.

    To see if this theory holds, I would like to point out that hundreds of thousands of people die of AIDS each year.

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    One nation, under dog

    September 21, 2003 on 3:30 pm | In Charlie, Life Updates

    So, we’re working on getting back into the swing of things, which is more difficult than it sounds.

    For example, after several weeks of either not working or just working for a few days, my wife Lauren and I are now back to working “full time.” Frankly, getting married and going on the honeymoon was more amusing.

    We are back home with our dog, which is great fun. He has a lot of good habits now, and very few bad ones, and the nine dollar eBook I bought yesterday might just help us train him on a few other tricks I want him to learn. (He’s mastered sit, lie down, roll over, up, jump, around, come (several claps also work for this one), and we’re working on a variety of others. Stay is the one I’m trying to teach at the moment; so far, Charlie thinks the term means something like, oh, “DON’T stay.”

    Yesterday, Charlie and I were playing around, running throughout the house. (This game would not have worked in the old apartment.) Then, my lovely and charming dog crashed into me at approximately 600 miles an hour. I’m about 185 lbs, and Charlie’s pushing 5 and a half, so sadly he was the injured party.

    What followed were the worst and saddest dog cries I have ever heard. He was limping with his front paw, and we took him into the vet after a quick phone call. It’s just soft tissue damage, and we’re supposed to keep it easy for the next few days, although Charlie would rather jump off our balcony and see how he lands I think — he’s ready for new adventures and running and jumping and doesn’t understand why his parents are being such lame-o losers.

    If you have trouble picking food for your dog because of all the brands and types of pet food out there then you might want to consult the web to find other opinions on the best dog foods on the market. The same goes for picking a dog breed for your first dog since there are many sites online where different breeds of dogs are discussed.
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    See Tom Cruise

    September 18, 2003 on 4:19 am | In Family, Lauren, Life Updates

    We got to the Long Beach pier about an hour and a half before boarding was scheduled to begin. A long, long line had already formed — and people were, in fact, already being allowed on the ship… slowly.

    Because we were in the “Skipper’s Club” — also called “The Club of People Who Paid A Lot For the Cruise” — we were able to skip the line and be personally escorted through security.

    The ship was huge, and beautiful. We saw pictures of our room in a Carnival catalog. It turns out those pictures were, uh, actual size. Our room, a suite on the Verandah deck, had a small balcony, a very cool bathroom, and other nice stuff. I could almost spin around 360 degrees without hitting a wall.

    When we first got to the room, we had all sorts of presents — woohoo! We had a bottle of champagne from Marnie (thanks, Marnie!), soda and bar credits from my parents (thanks, Parents!), flowers and a photo credit (from our Travel Agent).

    We had rushed onto the ship as early as possible so that we could book our shore excursions and full-body massages before everyone else. Ours was the third shore-excursion-order-form handed in, and the first massage booked.

    We toured the ship. We paid $30 for unlimited sodas throughout the entire cruise. We visited the 24-hour pizza bar and the daily sushi bar.

    We ate at the late seating in the Imagination Dining room. We had a
    delightful table, with a delightful set of all-newlywed dining partners. There were:

    The Fatsos. They hailed from Northern California and ate a lot. The husband, in particular, ordered the “Chef’s Special” each night, which consisted of approximately fourteen courses, four of which were desserts. These folks bought a time shore in one of the ports after thinking they had found a free ride to the beach. They complained about the money they had spent on the time share for the rest of the trip, and spent no more.

    The White-Trash. This couple was perhaps the biggest hoot of all. The husband was 24. He happens to have a 6-year-old son already, from a prior girlfriend. His new wife just turned 21, and they had
    plenty to celebrate on the cruise. After all, they had just had their 80-person outdoor wedding, complete with the three kegs of beer. And besides celebrating their new marriage, they were also — surprise! — getting to celebrate the fact that SHE was a couple months PREGNANT! What a happy couple. HE, on occasion, would ask our (excellent) waiter about tough words on the menu like “the” and “with.”

    There were some other people at our table as well, but most of the other couples only joined us for one or two meals; they had better things on their schedules.

    We didn’t always eat lunch in the dining room. Twice, when we did, a
    very elderly couple joined us… after “mistakenly” coming to the wrong seating and sitting at the same table. We hated them.

    The food was excellent. We had all sorts of good eats, including lots of (hopefully kosher) white fishes. I had an excellent tilapia the first night of the cruise. I also had a great mahi mahi, a perfect fish and chips, some top-notch salmon, etc. I also, believe it or not, ate a variety of sushi on the ship. And — I am not making this up — I ordered and ate part of a Ceaser Salad. I wouldn’t make a habit of it, and I didn’t like it, and I didn’t finish it, but I like the croutons and the dressing.

    We often partook of the in-room breakfasts. The breakfast orders got
    smaller each day, although we almost always finished everything we did order.

    We participated in the on-ship art auctions. They had excellent stuff, and we purchased two pictures that will eventually be shipped to us.

    We went to the onboard casino, where I made $5 after investing $1. Lauren lost about $2.

    The ship had some major increased security measures in place. They take your picture as you board, and it’s linked to your key card. You need that card to disembark, and to reimbark, and they match you with the digital picture they took when you first got on any time you reboard.

    The first port was Puerto Vallarta.

    We did two shore excursions that day. The first was the dolphin swim. We were taken to a large tank holding several dolphins. For a while, you just swim around with them and pet them. Then you get them to do a few tricks via hand signals — getting them to jump, or clap. Later, they give you ‘kisses’ on the cheek, and eventually you get to take rides on them. They swim on their backs; you’re on their bellies, holding onto their fins.

    Later, we rode horses. Our tour guides for this trip were hilarious and fun. You’re in charge of your horse and guide it along a long long path… though they certainly know where they’re going, and they follow each other too. It was raining during this excursion. We rode through a very, very deep stream and got soaked. Then, we reached a different part of the stream where a select view tourists chose to swim atop horses. The water’s too deep for the horses to walk, so they swim. It’s cool. I did it, though Lauren elected not too.

    My horse was a runner, and Lauren’s was a bit of a jerk — biting other horses that were in its way.

    Puerto Vallarta was a rather poor town, with not too much
    to see. Our involved activity-based tours were a good idea.

    At the end of the horse tour, they offered us free tequila from the
    tequila factory on the premises. 50% of us partook. They offered
    free tequila bottles to anyone who would drink their triple-shot of
    tequila; two folks did and were each presented with single mini,
    airplane-style bottles. One of those two folks was a woman who sang often and loudly on the bus ride back to the ship.

    That night on the ship, a juggling comedian performed. He was funny
    and talented, and he brought Lauren on stage to assist him with putting on a strait jacket. Lauren was supposed to help with the, ahem, under crotch strap, and she earned big laughs for her comments onstage.

    The next day, we were in Mazatlan. “Mazatlan” means “Land of Deer.”
    As it turns out, all the deer are dead from hunting and such, but
    apparently the Spanish word for “Land of Dead Deer” is a crappy name
    for a town.

    In Mazatlan, we kayaked around Deer Island (also no deer). The
    kayaking was fun; we saw some cool birds, some beautiful views, and one dead fish. We swam in the ocean after kayaking, and started a nature hike but quickly turned around — swimsuits and sandals are a poor match for overgrown thorn bushes made of knives and broken glass.

    The final port was Cabo San Lucas. There, we snorkled in the beautiful Santa Maria Cove and saw lots of cool tropical fish up close and personal… Though we kept trying to avoid letting them
    touch us.

    After snorkelling, we went by some awesome natural arches and a lover’s beach. We passed a real live sea lion hanging out atop some rocks, and 50% of us partook of the free booze.

    Before reboarding the ship, we bought Lauren a $950 dollar tanzanite and diamond bracelet. We paid $325.

    Each night at the fancy dinners, the waiters would do a short dance, as the maitre d’ would announce they were still rehearsing or their big number for the last night of the cruise.

    The last night of the cruise, the waiters sang and danced to a song
    reminiscent of “Leaving on a Jet Plane,” only not so much in English.

    “You’re leaving from a fun ship
    We hope that you’ll be back again.”

    Other assorted details:

    Each night, our room stewards would fold our towels into animals.
    We then started folding them into OTHER animals each morning for the
    stewards.

    Our waiter Gerardo would say things like, “Don’t worry, be happy” –
    and really mean it. One day, he showed us a napkin which he had
    folded into a mouse. It then “jumped” at us.

    My feet got very sunburned. That sucked.

    One At-Sea day, we kept seeing birds flying low on the water. They
    turned out to be fins, travelling in schools. We saw jumping ‘wild’
    dolphins one day.

    We never placed better than 2nd in the ship’s trivia contests.

    The cruise director was Simon, a British, Austin-Powers-esque rubbery
    man with a fun sense of humor. He attributed the ships unusually rocky ride to the 78 honeymooning couples on the ship.

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    Where will it stop?

    September 15, 2003 on 5:38 pm | In Charlie, Family, Football, Lauren, Life Updates, News

    I’m back from the honeymoon, John Ritter’s dead, the Philadelphia Eagles can’t win, the recall election’s been postponed, my shiny new TiVo recorded hours of entertainment for me while I was gone, by dog gained a pound and can finally roll over on command, I rode a dolphin, I swam on a horse, I…

    …I don’t have time for this right now.

    I have many stories. You hopefully have some patience. Bear with me.

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    Cruise Bust a Monty

    September 7, 2003 on 6:05 am | In Lauren, Leth and Sex News

    Tomorrow, I leave for a weeklong honeymoon cruise with my honey. This is the first (and probably last) time I’ll wish I had married actress Soleil Moon Frye, so that I could be going on my honeymoon with my honey, Moon.

    Now I’m posting over at the other site, just so that I can be sure I’m not leaving Seth in a complete lurch.

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    Tada!

    September 5, 2003 on 1:43 am | In Family, Food, Lauren, Life Updates

    I am now, officially, Mr. Lauren Friedman.

    (My dad loves that joke.)

    We did a wedding, and we did it but good. (That is not a joke related to my past medical problemos.)

    Even though Lauren — this is true — laughed when she repeated the Rabbi’s translation as she said the word husband (she blames nerves), I think this marriage is gonna stick. My brother-in-law Guy gave a swell toast, although his wife, my sister Abbi, did have to advise him:

    - Not to make jokes about my past, behind-related medical problems
    - Not to steal Jerry Seinfeld’s joke about “If I’m the best man, why’s she marrying you?”
    - Not to make a ‘lost-in-the-translation’ joke pretending that he thought he was actually supposed to have crispy bread

    Lauren’s sisters both toasted us as well, and the average length of their two toasts was probably about three minutes, even though one of the two sibling speeches lasted only about 10 seconds. You do the math.

    The band learned our song quite well — “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” by Starship, Jefferson Starship, or Jefferson Airplane… It’s hard to tell, since the group’s used all three names. The song was the theme from the brilliant 80s movie Mannequin, and Lauren and I — or should I say, “the missus and I,” really love the tune for all its sappiness.

    We cut the cake at some point, but I didn’t get to eat enough of it, and the reception hall didn’t give us the top tier to save, so boohoo on the first anniversary tradition. The photographers and videographer made us recreate some piviotal ceremony moments — the chuppah had been a bit crowded — during the cocktail hour, so I didn’t get any wontons, either. I was able to cut to the front of lines at the cocktail stations during the hour, which was certainly nice.

    I had ordered the chateau briand (French for “house of Brian D.”), but it tasted like Chateau Le Feet that Stepped in Mud and Poop, so I ordered the stuffed chicken dinner as well, which was better.

    For the first 24 hours after the wedding, I referred to Lauren only as Mrs. Friedman and “Wife.” I learned prior to the wedding that “Wifey” is off-limits.

    It took me longer to realize that, in addition to ‘having’ a wife, I also am a husband, which is shocking, but somewhat logical after the first part.

    Meanwhile, back in the jungle, Charlie is re-acclimating to California pretty well, although he’s only pooped once today and has been walked three times. You’d think that since he left the Los Angeles airport, he’d be literally rarin’ to “go,” since he’s now ex-LAX.

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