The Family Guy

December 30, 2003 on 4:30 pm | In Family, Jewish

My whole family’s been here since Christmas. Or, as we Jews call it, International Jesus Appreciation Day.

We went to Disney’s California Adventure on Sunday, which was great fun. Then, a few of us went back Monday morning to Cali. Adv. (as we Jews call it) and put into practice a theory we had developed and lightly tested the day before.

We rode ’single-rider.’

You go to the front of the line with your group. You then alert the “Cast Member” (or “employee,” as we Jews call it) that you’re a single rider, and when a car doesn’t have enough riders, they sub you in. And if they’re two short for a car, they sub you and your friend in. Three — “shalosh” as we Jews call it — and they sub the three of you in.

We rode “Flight of the Condor” (and if that’s not the right name, trust that it’s what we Jews call it) in 5 minutes. It had a 70 minute wait. And we rode a water ride after three minutes waiting, instead of 120.

It’s definitely the way to do Disney.

Of course, after another ride, we went to the Magic Kingdom on Monday. The promised availability of Kosher food (or “food,” as we Jews call it) was a big lie — one restaurant with Kosher offerings was out of everything but steamed cabbage, the other with Kosher offerings wouldn’t let us in at all. And the average lines were greater than 120 minute waits.

Disneyland certainly lived up that day to its nickname — “The Crappiest Place On Earth.”

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    Gulp.

    December 24, 2003 on 7:26 pm | In News

    One federal law enforcement official in Washington indicated the greatest level of concern appeared to be “in L.A. and LAX,” referring to the city’s international airport. He said officials were drafting a plan for actions to be taken for that area in the event a terrorist act occurred. [CNN]

    Awesome.

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    Holy Crap

    December 23, 2003 on 10:02 pm | In Family, News

    My sister sent me this link. Personally, I think she should get her own damn blog. But this link did need to be shared.

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    He’s friends with Frank Feces

    December 23, 2003 on 5:34 pm | In News

    This article about lame gifts is kinda stupid. But it is still hilarious, because of one individual’s name that is mentioned within the story.

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    Too much data

    December 22, 2003 on 9:33 pm | In Funny Internet Things, Things of Amusement to Me

    The medium dilutes the message. Be sure to check out the love letter near the bottom.

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    SoCal

    December 22, 2003 on 7:51 pm | In News

    I mean, I’m no surfer or anything, but I can still ride waves here in Southern California. Especially during 6.5-magnitude earthquakes that shake my workplace.

    Robin Williams once described earthquakes as God’s way of redecorating. “I wonder how these mountains would look… over here.”

    Depending on which article you believe, the quake’s epicenter was anywhere between 180 and 250 miles north(west) of Los Angeles. Personally, I blame Al-Qaeda.

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    Tuesday’s 24

    December 18, 2003 on 4:51 am | In Television, Things of Amusement to Me

    Tuesday’s episode of 24 had Kiefer Sutherland with some bad guys in Northern Mexico.

    Too bad the on-screen title for one scene said “New Mexico.”

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    Nine Days Before Christmas

    December 17, 2003 on 4:07 am | In Funny Internet Things, Jewish, Things of Amusement to Me

    ‘Twas nine days before Christmas
    And across the U.S.
    Most bells were a-jingling,
    Most malls were a mess

    The radio stations
    Played carols galore –
    “White Christmas,” “…a Manger,”
    “White Christmas” once more!

    The nogs were a-egging,
    Most presents not wrapped
    As quite a few Santa’s Lap
    Pictures were snapped.

    ‘Twas a time of much cheer,
    When most spirits soared…
    Except the few whose
    Views on the Lord

    Differed from the mainstream,
    The popular crowd –
    Yes, the Jewish folk,
    Your mind has mumbled aloud

    “Merry Christmas” we Jews hear
    From most passers-by
    And, “That Jesus, he sure is
    One heck of a guy!”

    We’re happy you’re happy
    At this time of year
    We’ll tide ourselves over
    For your yuletide cheer

    Your trees will be up
    For a few months too long,
    But we’ll just sit back
    With “The Channukah Song”

    And wait out this Christmas,
    As we’ve done before
    Cuz we’ll get to party
    Come next Yom Kippur.

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    Ramblings

    December 12, 2003 on 6:47 pm | In Leth and Sex News, Life Updates, Television

    As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, a screw-up involving my name has ruined me, if by ruined me, you mean made me not be the first result for ‘Lex Friedman’ when you search Google, which I do.

    Next topic.

    Line of Fire has now shown two episodes, each of which was excellent. But what has ABC done with NYPD Blue? Why can’t Sipowicz Sipowitz Dennis Franz’s character and friends get a regular television season? I know it’ll come back, but why interrupt it?

    Next topic.

    A month or two ago, I had planned to share — I swear this is a true — a photo essay and written tribute to Shick’s new Quattro razor. (I use a mix of a Norleco Advantage electric shaver and a Gillete Mach 3 razor ‘normally.’) On a whim, I purchased the Quattro and was in love as I took it out of the box.

    (The box was one of those super annoying vacuum-packed packages sealed to exactly fit the item — you know, the packaging that’s impossible to open without a scissors, upper body strength, a high tolerance for pain, and the alignment of specific celestial objects. But THIS annoying packaging had PERFORATIONS, so you could just pop the sucker right out of there!)

    I put the razor to the test, where by “test” I mean, “skin.” Ouch! Ok, new razors sometimes take a few days to adjust to. But the problem with the Shick Quattro isn’t that it hurt to use the first time.

    The problem is that it sucks.

    You know how, when you use a razor, you chop off some hairs, rinse the blade, then chop off some more hairs, and so on? The Quattro is very bad at the second step — the rinse. There are four tightly-arranged blades (not surprisingly) on the Quattro. So tight are these blades, in fact, that even a high-pressure blast of water from the skin WON’T CLEAN THE JUST-CUT HAIR OUT OF THE RAZOR.

    Which means that after, say, your right cheek, the blade is filled with hair and of no use to you anymore.

    I’m thinking of putting the blade in the laundry machine.

    I’ve literally shaved with the blade just 1.5 times, because I can’t get the sucker clean.

    Next topic.

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    Eat that, Harvard

    December 8, 2003 on 6:25 am | In Brandeis

    Brandeis University finally scored a mention on The Simpsons.

    Quoth Lisa, in a response to Bart’s wondering how she knew so much about Judaism: “I have an imaginary friend who’s Jewish. Her name’s Rachel Cohen, and she just got into Brandeis.”

    Fact: This episode was written by Joel S. Cohen. Think he has a sister Rachel who just got into Brandeis?

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