The Lex Files

The Apple I Love

June 28, 2004 on 5:51 am | In Uncategorized

Apple’s announcing Tiger, OS X 10.4, this week. And the ads (scroll down) are hilarious.

Unless you’re Microsoft.

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Six

June 28, 2004 on 3:36 am | In Uncategorized

Six.

If there were six tablets, we’d have thirty commandments instead of ten.

Six is a big number.

Six is the number of loads of laundry Lauren and I did today.

Six!

That’s a hell of a lot of soiled linen.

How does one acquire six loads of laundry? The answer, friends, is found in one compound word:

“Underwear.”

So long as one possesses an exorbitant amount of undergarments, one can avoid laundry for weeks at a time.

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Robot Parade

June 23, 2004 on 7:43 pm | In Uncategorized

According to the Associated Press, the army now has computerized trumpets to play Taps at some funerals, because there aren’t enough trumpet players in the army who know how to play the 24 notes.

The computerized trumpet is held up as if it is being played, but does all the work itself via a speaker in the horn.

Not everyone likes the computerized taps sequence. Says one individual:

A digital rendition “would make the honor seem phony,” he said. “When my father goes, he’ll get a gun salute. I wouldn’t feel right about them having seven mannequins going out in the field shooting fake guns.”

Yes. Because it would mean that this was a ROBOT ARMY of mannequins, and that would be terrifying.

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Life at the Friedman Household

June 23, 2004 on 1:00 am | In Uncategorized

Lex: Did you hear that Mary-Kate Olsen is being treated for anorexia?

Lauren: Which one is she?

Lex: The thin one.

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Last Comic’s Standing

June 20, 2004 on 1:31 am | In Uncategorized

I love Last Comic Standing on NBC, the American Idol of stand-up.

Well, I loved it last year. This year, I’ve been down on the show, though I still watch it. I’m down on it because of articles from a few months ago regarding Drew Carey’s being mighty pissed that NBC didn’t listen to the “celebrity judges” and picked finalists who were more interesting (to producers) than funny (to the judges).

But now… NBC acknowledged the judges’ being pissed — on the show!

On the hours of episodes so far this season, the show’s end credits have concluded with a series of disclaimers regarding how judging works (basically, the judges mean nothing, they acknowledge). But now, on the “finals” episode that determined which 10 people would move into the Hollywood mansion for the last stage of the competition, the show acknowledged the anger from Drew and Bret Butler.

“What’s going on?” steams Butler after the results are announced. She storms out of the theater. Drew is really pissed, but more eloquent. At first. He states that 3 out of the 4 celebrity judges didn’t vote for the announced winners. “I call bullshit.”

Cut to executive producer Peter Engel discussing it. “I’m really upset… I have more respect for comedy than that,” says Butler. Drew says, “I don’t know why they called us out here to use our faces if they weren’t gonna count our votes.”

Peter Engel says there are eight people voting. The non-celebrity judges are voting based on the past performances and other factors, he says.

I say Drew and Bret are right to be pissed. The 10 finalists are not the 10 best comics we saw on the show.

But I’ll still watch.

PS: Other shows you should be watching include “Arrested Development” and “Kenny Vs. Spenny,” just the funniest shows on TV.

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The Will of the Groundlings

June 19, 2004 on 6:22 am | In Uncategorized

Earlier this week, I saw Will Ferrell perform at the Groundlings theater.

Will was, not surprisingly, quite funny. He wasn’t the star of the show; he was simply one of the seven players involved.

It was a long-form improv show, the sort of improv experience which must be seen to be believed and appreciated. They began by doing three improvised scenes based on three different suggestions of actions, and then jumped back and forth in time, setting, and character to add information about the causes and effects of all the scenes we had seen.

One actor eventually brought a scene to the White House, where a few characters met with the President of the United States, as portrayed, of course, by Will.

Later on, when several scenes had been built around a fictitious Hollywood director, Will interviewed him as James Lipton on Inside the Actor’s Studio.

The most amazing thing to me about the show was just how normal Will was. I mean, I understand that he defecates odoriferously just like the rest of us, but his humanity and humility dripped off him in gallons.

Before the show, I waited outside in line behind, of all people, Will Ferrell’s dad. He looks a lot like Will, only older. The senior Ferrell was spending his time instructing the box office to give random fans tickets to the already-sold-out show, since Will had promised him he could have as many tickets as he wanted.

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If Than

June 15, 2004 on 10:42 pm | In Uncategorized

This essay from Language Log is more interesting than me. Or rather, than I am at the present time.

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Links

June 10, 2004 on 5:25 am | In Uncategorized

Some links that interested me in the past few days:

This Stepford Wives review is disheartening. In spite of the bad press, I had high hopes for a movie with a cast including Jon Lovitz, Nicole Kidman, and Matthew Broderick.

John Stamos is coming back to TV. Plus an actress was already dropped from Joey. I maintain that the previews aired for Joey during the Friends finale stank on ice, but critics who saw the Joey pilot say it was good, with the newly fired actress as the weak link in the program. Oops. Plus, Candace Bergen and John Mahoney are co-starring with Jerry “Make Jokes About the Dead Guy” Orbach on the new Law and Order incarnation.

Not everyone liked Reagan.

Dooce makes me want to have a baby… Soon. Not tomorrow soon, not nine months soon, but soon.

Kentucky Gov. Ernie Fletcher’s plane got too close to the Capitol today and they really freaked. Sounds like they’re very ready for a terrorist attack over there, not surprisingly.

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The Twighlight Zone Tower of Terror

June 6, 2004 on 12:45 am | In Uncategorized

Over the Memorial Day weekend this year, a DisneyWorld attraction from 1994 finally made its way to Anaheim.

Yes, California now has its very own Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, which opened to very bad reviews.

But it did bring back some memories.

Around the time I was 14, my father had a medical convention in Orlando. For the first time in my life, I took a plane flight by myself, joining Dad over Presidents’ Day Weekend for a few days at DisneyWorld.

The new, much-hyped ride of the moment was the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. The ride had huge marketing hype:

You would free-fall 13 stories! Ahhhhhhh! How scary! How exciting! How vomitous!

Dad and I knew we had to go on this ride. It was a long, long line. As we waited in line, I asked Dad how it was possible to offer this ride, given the obvious safety concerns. How could they let an elevator car drop so far so fast?

Dad explained that — of course! — it was a simulated drop; we’d strap in and stare at one of those big screens that would make us feel as though we were moving, a la Epcot’s ride through a body or Universal’s Back to the Future ride.

I questioned that, since the ride featured a moment where the elevator doors opened to our view and you could see people appear to start the drop, and hear their screams.

“Special effects and animatronics,” Dad said. A reasonable explanation, given all those safety concerns I’d raised. I asked Dad, “Wouldn’t the ride be totally useless if you closed your eyes?” (thus becoming immune to the screen’s effect). Why yes, Dad said, he supposed it would.

We finally get on the ride and are strapped in. The elevator car winds around for a bit before the supposed “drop.” The door opens to the outside for a second and we realize WE can now be seen by the sprawling line.

Wait a second. If the door opened to the outside, just as we had seen happening before, then it couldn’t animatro–

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

We begin the several second 13 story drop. “It’s REAL! It’s REAL!” I screamed to my dad as we plummet. He, of course, was more than appreciative of my enlightening him to that fact.

The elevator drop stops. We slowly rise back up as our hearts decide to resume beating. “It was REAL, Dad,” I stammered, amazed. “Yes, it was. I’ll be damned,” Dad said. (Fortunately, no Disney “cast members” were around to hear the “d” word, since they’d have carted Dad and me off to Disney Cuss Word Jail, where no characters pose for pictures and they pump “It’s A Small World” into the cell over and over again.)

“I can’t believe they really do-”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The bastards drop you a second time. Who knew?

We scream some more, the ride stops — “Is it really over this time?” As we exit, passing the weird digitized pictures of ourselves screaming with our eyes closed — which had no effect on the ride’s realism, by the way — we swap war stories: “I realized it was real about the time the elevator started really falling.” Duh.

Not good war stories, but we were excited, having just cheated death the Disney way.

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Seven Stories About My Dog

June 3, 2004 on 1:04 am | In Uncategorized

1. The Prance

Charlie, my adorable eight-and-a-half pound maltese, turned one at the end of May. When Charlie was a puppy, when we’d play fetch with various plush toys, he’d often spin around and prance after the tossed toy. Whereas a dog normally walks by putting his two left feet in synch at opposite intervals with his two right feet, or by synching up his diagonally opposite feet, Charlie would synch up his two front feet and his two back feet when we played. And he’d do it with an adorable bounce in his step, almost like he was skipping merrily along, prancing through the air, providing much evidence that dogs haven’t a care in the world; lives that consist of playing, eating, and sleeping have little room for sorrow.

Lauren and I used to hope that Charlie would never outgrow the prancing phase. He’s one now… and he hasn’t.

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2. Tricks for Treats
Charlie knows a lot of tricks. (Some are documented in a video essay I once posted contrasting him with my young niece Lior.)

He responds to “sit,” “stay,” “lie down,” “roll over,” “gimme five,” “up,” and “stay.”

He also plays dead for “Bang!”, barks for “Who’s the man?”, and jumps up onto his back legs and barks for “Let’s sing and dance!”

He’s also familiar with terms like “walk,” “paper”, “wait,” “no,” “go get it,” “bring it back,” “where’s your toy,” “come (here),” and “Charlie.”

It’s possible that his vocabulary’s size exceeds that of the president of these United States.

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3. I’ll be there for you
Charlie has two close canine friends. Koa is a pug belonging to a coworker of Lauren’s. Charlie stays at Koa’s house when we go away for a few days. Koa and Charlie love to play. Their favorite (and only) game is “Let’s try to kick the crap out of each other.” Charlie bites Koa’s ears; Koa lies on his back, waits for Charlie to jump on his belly, and then Koa uses his back legs to kick Charlie up into the air. They love this game and play for hours at a time.

Charlie was with Koa this weekend and they played the whole time. Charlie came home and slept for two days.

Pasha is Charlie’s other friend. She’s a black and white dachshund chihuahua who lives in our building, and she’s Charlie’s girlfriend. Their play is less violent but still quite physical.

If Charlie had to pick one of these two dogs to play with for the rest of his life, I fear he would split right down the middle as one side of himself went towards each dog.

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4. Where the heart is
On the days when Lauren and I both work outside the home (I telecommute two days a week), one of us will normally return home sometime between 4:45 and 5:30. If we happen to come home a little earlier for whatever reason, before Charlie’s internal alarm has gone off, he is often surprised. We know he’s surprised because he doesn’t bark or run to the door when we put the key in the lock. Rather, we unlock the door and open it to see Charlie, staring silently in disbelieving anticipation (or anticipatory disbelief?) at the door from his favorite vantage point on the couch, with his tail wagging so rapidly we wouldn’t bat an eyelash if he propelled himself into the air like a helicopter.

Once we enter the home, it is all he can do to muster a single excited “Yip!” before leaping off the couch to greet us.

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5. The Circle of Life
Since Charlie is a condo-bound dog and is home alone for eight hours three days a week, we’ve paper trained him. That means he evacuates his kidneys on what is essentially an unfolded diaper.

Normally, Charlie takes care of using the paper as needed. But before we turn in for the night, we prompt him to go. Sometimes, especially if it’s a brand new, unmarked sheet, Charlie needs some time to position himself on the paper.

The paper, mind you, sits in a rectangular bin that is one Charlie wide and 1.25 Charlies long.

He’ll spin around in circle after circle as he chooses where and how to mark the paper. Sometimes five times. Sometimes fifteen times. Sometimes even thirty times. It’s weird, frustrating, and hilarious. If you interrupt him when he’s in circle mode, you risk shutting off his tinkle factory for the night, so we always wait it out.

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6. Honk If You Love Doggies or Charles Barkley
For a few months, I was extremely concerned about Charlie when he was home alone: Every time I came home, he was barking like crazy. (To be honest, I was worried about both him and our neighbors… If they complained, I didn’t want to be asked to get rid of him.)

I thought he was lonely or bored or scared, which hadn’t been a problem for him really because of the toys and chewies we leave out when we’re gone.

Whether I came home at lunch, or at 4:30, or at 5:15, he was barking up a storm when I came home.

My loving wife Lauren maintained that anytime she came home first, Charlie was silent.

That was nuts, I suggested. Especially because when we went out together and returned home, he’d always be barking. Why was he always barking when I came home first, never when Lauren came home first, and always when we came home together?

Lauren actually figured it out, and then we proved it. She came home first one night and was snuggling with Charlie. I came home and, as I do about 90% of the time, I used the remote to lock my 2002 Honda Civic, who agreeably honked in return.

That immediately set off Charlie, who had over time connected the faraway sound of a single beep in the garage two floors down with my arrival one and a half minutes later at the front door. Lauren’s car locks silently, so he has no cue for her.

I’ve switched to locking mine silently as well, which takes extra brain power (pressing the tiny button on the remote instead of the big one), and that way Charlie’s not halfway to an aneurism when I unlock the door.

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7. One Dog, One Million Stories
While I stood in the kitchen, pondering which seven Charlie stories would make the cut for this essay, I munched on tortilla chips. I went to put the bag back in the pantry and a single chip fell to the floor. As Charlie ran to find it, I moved to close the pantry door, which he promptly ran into while sliding into position to gobble the fallen chip. It’s rare for Charlie to run into doors, but rarer still for him to eat tortilla chips, so he didn’t even hesitate for a second before chomping down on the snack.

I think he fears I might pick up dropped food, or worse yet, use the DUSTBUSTER. Charlie hates the DustBuster. I used to believe he didn’t like the noise, but I’ve come to understand that he hates the way it sucks up fallen food particles that HE WANTS TO EAT.

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