The Lex Files

So Long, Lenny

December 29, 2004 on 5:06 pm | In Uncategorized

Jerry Orbach, TV’s “Lenny Briscoe,” has died of complications from prostate cancer.

Chung-chung.

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Working undercover for the man

December 29, 2004 on 12:20 am | In Uncategorized

Sometimes, coworkers find your blog. Or, in this case, MY blog.

That’s something you must prepare for ahead of time. For example, I need to blog with the advanced knowledge that posting something like “My supervisor Joe has a dirty history with livestock” isn’t appropriate, even if Joe doesn’t yet read my blog.

Today, Joe did in fact find my blog, and he mentioned that it was — his words — “awesome.”

So now, as I punch this post into my BlackBerry while sitting in a Manhattan Starbucks, I have to wonder: What exactly does Joe find awesome about this site?

The pithy humor?
The stories about my dog?
The stunning color scheme?

And now, I also have to worry if he’ll be back to the site, and if he’ll stumble across old posts about unpleasant surgeries or my ventures into the world of adult filmmaking, or my addiction to acetone and horse tranquilizers.

(Postscript: I love that my BlackBerry knows the word “tranquilizers.”)

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I am in New Jersey

December 24, 2004 on 9:26 pm | In Uncategorized

It is still a lot like Old Jersey.

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Oh Holy Flight

December 24, 2004 on 2:32 pm | In Uncategorized

Before big holiday events, when I find myself waiting at LAX, I tend to compose themed parodies for the occasion.

Oh, the weather outside is frigid
And the security here is rigid
We pray as through the checkpoints we go:
Let us go, let us go, let us go

Your photo ID is needed
And their warnings must be headed
If the Ionizer don’t say no
Let us go, let us go, let us go


Silent flight
Peaceful flight
May I say,
“Yeah, right”
Screaming babies
“Put your seat upright”
“Need a headset?”
My sleeping was light
Now, I’m awake and still hours away
Next year, let’s fly Christmas day


Oh Hannukah, oh Hannukah
How long ago you ended

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Urine Trouble

December 22, 2004 on 9:02 pm | In Uncategorized

Men know the rules of Urinal Etiquette. There are even games on the web that test the depth of your know-how.

The key rule, of course is, don’t take a urinal adjacent a urinal that is “in use,” if you know what this rule means. That is, if someone’s at urinal 1 and someone’s at urinal 5, you best be choosing urinal 3 if you know what’s good for you.

Which brings us to today’s classy topic. At the offices for my employer — Intermix — we occupy an entire floor of a huge Arden building. (Arden owns roughly 3 out of every 3 buildings in Southern California.) And on our floor there are two restrooms — one for men, and one for women.

The men’s restroom here has a triangular urinal arrangement. One against one wall, two against the opposite wall. The two facing walls are no more than 5 feet apart:

   A

B     C

Problem is, if someone’s using B, I always go to C. And if someone’s using C, I always choose B.

But why!? I hear you asking exclamatorily. See, unfortunately, urinal A is rather low. The top of urinal A is barely above my kneecaps. I don’t know if it’s my height or… well, let’s just say it’s my height. But I prefer a high urinal. And you can quote me.

So A is not an option. But I fear that other gents, the B and C users who see me taking their neighbor instead of A — I fear that they think I don’t know the rules of urinal etiquette.

They’re wrong. I simply know and respect — and never use A to avoid violating — the ever-important Urinal Corollary:

Don’t pee on your shoes.

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ESPN’s football announcers

December 13, 2004 on 1:52 am | In Uncategorized

ESPN’s football announcers are terrible. They miss the action. They get distracted by uninteresting details and keep the camera and audio off the important stuff on the field. They get overwhelmed with excitement about things like, I don’t know, the ball’s having been snapped.

It sucks.

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The Object of My Affection.

December 9, 2004 on 6:41 am | In Uncategorized

If you think terminating prepositions are something up with which you should not put, you’re wrong.

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The Snau

December 8, 2004 on 5:13 am | In Uncategorized

In college, I joined an a cappella group called Manginah. Manginah is a Hebrew word meaning “a bunch of Jews singing together without instruments.”

Being me, I wrote several parodies of songs (in English), taking comedic spins on Jewish topics. REM’s “Stand (in the place where you are)” became “Spam (isn’t Kosher at all)”; Sugar Ray’s “Every Mornin’” became “Every Purim”; and Simon and Garfunkel’s “Sounds of Silence” became “Sound of Sermons.”

At one point during my three years in the group, I was serving as Musical Director. A girl in the group arranged “The Muppet Song.” I pointed out that this was not a Jewish song; she replied that she was expecting me to write funny Jewish lyrics to the melody.

Oh.

Nothing came. For weeks and weeks.

Finally, in the shower (of course), I came up with the first lines:

It’s time to light the candles
It’s time to drink the wine
It’s time to do those things
That make the Shabbos so devine

I liked where this was headed.

Not time to watch the TV
Not time to drive your car
‘Less you’re going to the temple
(You should walk if it’s not far)

After this point, truth be told, the song gets a little off-track. The jokes come very fast and aren’t all in standard-punch line form. And since the song goes by so quickly, it takes a few listens to “get.” But audiences enjoyed it because we sounded cute.
Why is this night so different
From all the other nights
No we’re not talking ’bout Pesach,
We’re observing Shabbos rites

It’s time to say the blessings
It’s time for family
It’s time to bless the children,
Bless the parents, and bless me (Achoo!)

It’s time to wash our hands now
After that, then we can’t talk*
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm, hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm –
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm.

Why aren’t those guys talking?
These gals are silent too!
They’re all staring at us now —
What are we supposed to?

It’s time to break the challah!
(Why don’t you break the challah?)
It’s time to break the challah
And so we’re wishin’ you’ll
Be original
Quite religional
So traditional

This is when we say Shabbat Shalooooooom!

Pesach is the Hebrew word for “Passover,” the holiday where we’re supposed to ask “Why is this night so different from all other nights,” and where the answer is, “because we’re constipated.”

*There’s a ritual washing of the hands Jews are supposed to do at meals before eating bread. After you wash your hands and before you say the prayer over the bread, you’re not supposed to talk.

The point of all this background is that, a few nights ago, I was singing this song for no reason. Lauren heard, and she knows the song well.

I sang out loud:

Why aren’t those those guys talking?
These gals are silent too
They’re all staring at us now…
What are we supposed to do?

Lauren interrupted. She asked, “What’s a snau?”

I thought about it for a moment, and then got the joke. Haha. “They’re all staring at a snau.”

The elusive snau dominated our conversation for days. Ever since then, in fact, we have been singing songs to each other about the charming snau.

For example, our very wedding song talked about the creatures’ resilience:

“Nothing’s gonna stop a snau.”

And of course, as you have now seen, we also discussed at some length the proper spelling of “snau” — which certainly can’t be “snow” or “snaw.”

That’s all for now. And for… well, you know.

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Things to make my parents mad

December 7, 2004 on 5:01 pm | In Uncategorized

This article should do the trick. Wish I knew the author’s email address.

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Hey, Moderate Republicans

December 3, 2004 on 7:22 pm | In Uncategorized

Remember when you voted for Bush in spite of the fact that he’d have as many as three Supreme Court nominations?

And remember how you convinced yourself it was okay to do so, since the Republican president with the Republican controlled Senate still couldn’t overcome a Democratic filibuster?

Whoops!

Oh well. I’m on my way to marry a guy, have an abortion, and research some stem cells while I still can.

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