20 minutes

June 30, 2005 on 4:57 am | In Uncategorized

Because of annoyingly conflicting schedules, I spent a mere 20 minutes in Lauren’s company today. I kissed her goodbye when I left for work (as she slept), and then saw her briefly between 9pm (when I came home from a work-related dinner) and 9:20pm (when she left to see a coworker — wait for it — belly dance).

I’ll be heading to bed at 11pm; she’ll be home around 12:30 or 1am.

Twenty minutes with my wife.

What’s nice is, that time spent talking with her was the best twenty minutes of my day :)

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    Interesting coincidence

    June 24, 2005 on 8:08 pm | In Uncategorized

    Tom Cruise has gone crazy.

    Another case of Mad Cow.

    I’m just saying, the timing’s interesting.

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    The New Show

    June 22, 2005 on 5:06 am | In Uncategorized

    It may be sacrilege, but I have tired of The Daily Show. I delete episodes unwatched from my TiVo. It’s still done well, the comedy’s gold, but it’s gotten repetitive. The staff is free to hire me if they want things juiced up a bit.

    I am looking forward to David Spade’s new show. As long as he can keep the smarminess down, or wrap it in like-ability, I’m sure it will be worth watching.

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    Don’t you think?

    June 18, 2005 on 2:07 am | In Uncategorized

    Long before she was pissing off her native Canada, Alanis Morisette hit it big with her album “Jagged Little Pill.” She had a smash success with ten — ten! — singles from the album… But the biggest was “Ironic.”

    “Ironic” was lambasted by some critics, and some press, and some English teachers. They claimed the song didn’t contain any irony, but at best, a string of unfortunate circumstances and/or coincidences.

    I contend that these critics were wrong.

    (The rest of this post contains adult language and partial nudity, or at least adult language, in the sense of the word “shitty.” Viewer discretion is advised.)

    Rather, I believe that Alanis’s “Ironic” contains all of the following: irony, shitty coincidences, and News of the Weird-style stories.

    Fasten your seatbelts:

    An old man turned ninety-eight
    He won the lottery and died the next day

    This, my friends, is a News of the Weird headline. WHY THE HELL IS A 98-YEAR-OLD ENTERING THE LOTTERY? The fact that a 98-year-old dies is pretty non-ronic, if you ask me. Which you did.

    Its a black fly in your chardonnay</cite><br /> <br /> My lovely wife Lauren tried to make the case that because the wine is white and the fly is black, perhaps there's a tinge of irony here. My lovely wife Lauren, however, was wrong. A black fly in chardonnay is disgusting, and not just because chardonnay tastes like fermented bat urine. A bug died in your drink. Shitty coincidence. Not ironic.<br /> <br /> <cite>Its a death row pardon two minutes too late

    That is a very shitty coincidence for the dead guy.

    Isnt it ironic... dont you think?

    See above.

    Chorus:
    Its like rain on your wedding day <br /> Its a free ride when youve already paid <br /> Its the good advice that you just didnt take <br /> Who wouldve thought… it figures

    Rain on your wedding day: Shitty coincidence.

    A free ride (apparently offered from a friend, or more scarily, a friendly stranger, after you’ve paid for a cab ride or bus ticket?) — not just a shitty coincidence, but a shitty friend, too. “Hey, it cost $19 to get here!” “I would have picked you up, dude!” “Thanks for telling me NOW, shitty friend!”

    The good advice that you didn’t take is a very shitty coincidence indeed: You have a smart, sage friend, and you’re an asshole. What a coinky-dink! But not irony, my friends. Irony is your friend offered good advice from his cell phone will bungee jumping without a cord. Ironic that his last words were good advice.

    Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
    He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
    He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
    And as the plane crashed down, he thought:
    “Well, isnt this nice?"<br /> And isnt this ironic… dont you think?</cite><br /> <br /> Whew. This is a close call, but I don't call it irony. I didn't offer "shitty luck" as an option, so it's gonna have to be another shitty coincidence, which is pretty much the same thing. What IS ironic but isn't stated is that this guy kisses his kids goodbye, but then doesn't think a damn thing about them as the plane spirals downwards; he's too obsessed with mildly sarcastic comments said only to himself. A shitty coincidence for a shitty guy, it seems.<br /> <br /> After another chorus, our favorite Canuck continues:<br /> <br /> <cite>Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you <br /> When you think everythings o.k. and everything’s going right
    And life has a funny way of helping you out
    When you think everythings gone wrong and everything blows up <br /> In your face</cite><br /> <br /> If you think everything's gone wrong and everything then blows up in your face, that's not irony. That's prescience, or at least awareness of the crappy situation going on in your life.<br /> <br /> <cite>A traffic jam when youre already late
    A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

    Shitty coincidence. Life-prolonging shitty coincidence.

    Its like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife</cite><br /> <br /> Okay, Alany! (Can I call you Alany?) NOW we're cooking with gas!<br /> <br /> <b>Dude:</b> Man, thanks for the surprise party, guys!<br /> <b>Friend #1</b> Oh, crappity crapinstein! We didn't bring a knife to cut this delicious ice cream cake!<br /> <b>Friend #2</b> Phooey!<br /> <i>Suddenly, a shit-load of spoons -- 10,000, in fact -- falls from the heavens, crashing upon them, injuring Dude and Friend #2, who later dies from a brain hemorrhage. </i><br /> <b>Friend #1: </b> Dude, <u>that</u> shit is ironic. I'm gonna write a song about it. <br /> <i>One more spoon falls, landing on Friend #1's head, thereby permanently ruining her sense of irony as she sits down to write a hit song.</i><br /> <br /> Back to the lyrics:<br /> <br /> <cite>Its meeting the man of my dreams
    And then meeting his beautiful wife

    Boy howdy, is that a shitty coincidence. The ring on his finger should have been a good friggin’ clue, you dunderhead.

    Alanis rounds out with a chorus and un-ironic callback to the bridge.

    This lesson was brought to you by the “I Woke Up With ‘Ironic’ In My Head Today” Department.

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    Michael

    June 14, 2005 on 3:57 am | In Uncategorized

    Congratulations, Michael.

    Keep your sleeping solo, your profile low, and your nose clean.

    You’ve just been acquitted of child molestation — now what are you going to do?

    Please don’t say going to DisneyWorld.

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    Quake

    June 12, 2005 on 3:44 pm | In Uncategorized

    Well, that was a big earthquake.

    A sentence they say far less frequently in, say, Nebraska.

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    Tato-Masochism

    June 7, 2005 on 10:08 pm | In Uncategorized

    It’s more fun that I thought it would be. Turn on your pop-up blockers, and then click to pass the potato.

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    OS X and Intel

    June 6, 2005 on 5:44 pm | In Uncategorized

    So, as it turns out, the rumors are true, and the Mac really is moving to Intel.

    I got no problem with that.

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    4400 and Counting

    June 6, 2005 on 5:24 am | In Uncategorized

    The 4400 began its second season on USA today. Lauren and I humored USA and TiVo, and re-watched the entire first season this afternoon before viewing the two-hour season premiere.

    To balance our chi, or the force, or karma, or something, we also spent a few hours outside today. We strolled Venice Beach and, of all things, flew a kite that Lauren had made for school.

    As I figure it, .5 hours of kite flying justifies eight hours of 4400 watching pretty evenly.

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    What’s the Frequency, Kenneth Hahn

    June 5, 2005 on 2:11 am | In Uncategorized

    On Memorial Day, Lauren and I spent a few hours at Kenneth Hahn State Park, hiking, looking at trails, and making silly poses for the digital camera.

    We pass the park on LaCienega all the time, but never bother going. We tend to think that if we’re going to be spending time outside, we oughtta bring our favorite Charlie with us. And what state park is going to allow dogs, even adorable malteses?

    Well, as it turns out, Kenneth Hahn State Park does allow dogs. So now I’m overcome with guilt that we’ve lived so close for so long and have never taken Charlie to explore and play in the park. And now, when we went, we couldn’t take him, because he’s still recovering from his knee surgery.

    But I sat him down and promised him that we will indeed take him to the park in a month or so when we get the all-clear from our vet.

    Charlie, of course, responded with a tail-wag and a desperate look that seemed to scream: “Take this frigging cone off my head already!”

    Soon.

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