Eat that, Harvard

December 8, 2003 on 6:25 am | In Brandeis

Brandeis University finally scored a mention on The Simpsons.

Quoth Lisa, in a response to Bart’s wondering how she knew so much about Judaism: “I have an imaginary friend who’s Jewish. Her name’s Rachel Cohen, and she just got into Brandeis.”

Fact: This episode was written by Joel S. Cohen. Think he has a sister Rachel who just got into Brandeis?

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    May 30th, 2002

    May 30, 2002 on 6:21 pm | In Brandeis, Life Updates, The Lex Files

    People found registering for the Justice too difficult. Here is my final Lex File, reproduced here in its entirety.

    Lex prepares to enter the ‘real world’
    By Lex Friedman

    You know those ads that Fabio used to do? The ones where he would look all foreign and masculine and chiseled? And, he would explain, in an awestruck (read: heavily accented) tone how he simply was amazed at the facts he was presented with? And, he would state, loudly and definitively, in a way that you thought he probably understood most of the words he was saying:
    I can’t believe it’s not butter!

    I remember that, too, and I think that now more than ever I can really sympathize with the astonishment Fabio was enduring way back then. I understand his inability to comprehend that the situation he was faced with was, indeed, real. I can’t believe we’re not freshman!

    Sorry, we don’t say “freshman” in these parts, we say “first-year.” But I can’t believe we’re not first-years, either!

    Ah, the old freshman/first-year distinction. That triggers more nostalgia than a Tony Danza clip show. I remember my first year I wrote a column explaining how I thought we should be labeled “freshmen” and not “first-years” because the connotation associated with “freshman” more accurately reflected our naivete. “During Orientation ‘98, the green-shirted volunteers were instructed to refer to my Class of ‘02 as first-year students at all times, and never to drop that dreaded f-bomb,” I wrote. I described registering for my first semester from home, thinking: “‘Hey, I can go to a 9-o’clock class! That means I could sleep in until EIGHT!’ This is not the misguided thought-process of a first-year student. Only freshmen take 9-o’clock classes because they start so late.”


    It was cute, sort of — kind of like the Olsen twins. But, some then-senior (Joanna Stromberg ‘99) wrote a letter to the editor, all in what psychologists call “a huff,” saying this, “Perhaps the problem with ‘freshman’ that Friedman can’t figure out is that it accurately describes only half of the entering class.” She thought, of course, that I was an idiot for not recognizing that “freshman” as a label heaps massive insult and injury upon scores of “freshwomen.” In my published reply, I apologized wholeheartedly to Stromberg and the Brandeis community at large, saying, “I would ask that, in the future, Stromberg and others refer to me using a nonsexist, ultra-PC version of my name: ‘Lex Friedperson.’”


    But, that trip down memory lane must come to a close, because I’m using up words in my last-ever Justice column; it’s my last chance to fill this space and I can’t spend all of it quoting from past columns. I considered titling this grand-finale column “The Lex Final” or “The Last File,” and for a while I thought about titling it “Sex, Jehuda, and Carrie Fisher,” just to try to boost my readership. But in the end, I’ve decided that it’s nice and appropriate to keep my title “The Lex Files,” even though the show whose name I parodied is now off the air. Just as “The X Files” will live on in syndication, so too do I hope that my “Lex Files” will live on after I’m gone, kindling the fireplaces, protecting the glassware, and lining the bird cages of tomorrow.


    But now, after approximately 600 words of drivel (which would have been another decent title for my column these last four years), I have to make a sharp segue into the advice/mushiness/reflection part of this column before it’s too late. Search your MP3 playlist for the latest emotional ballad from Celine Dion and join me at the next paragraph.


    It seems like just eight semesters ago we seniors began our Brandeis careers. We went through Orientation together and we began forming a tight bond right there, huddled together in a protective mass as we feared for our lives with the hundreds of screaming “volunteers” all around us in Spingold. We stuck together through four years, as Ford Hall fell and Shapiro Center rose … Or started to, anyway. We watched the SAT average of our accepted students go up while our US News & World Report ranking went down — as did Monica Lewinsky and Al Gore, although in different ways. We saw WBRS go from being a purveyor of crappy music to, in the end … a purveyor of crappy music. While the real world got ever-more frightening — both in terms of sadder and sadder news and in terms of the fact that we were getting closer and closer to the realities of post-college life — Brandeis remained largely unchanged. The bureaucracy and politics were there, but so were the good times.


    As a whole, our class represented a shift from the once-omnipresent Brandeis student stance that there was nothing fun to do here. I believe that the Class of 2002 recognized that if we wanted our time here to be fun, we had to make it fun, and we did just that. And, of course, we went to classes sometimes and did pretty well there, too. But now, we bid farewell to Brandeis … and bid hello (if there is such a thing) to the next stage of our lives, the stage I like to call, “After Brandeis.” (Although its official name is “Harold”).


    Whether your next stop is grad school or employment or a year off, this is an amazingly important time of our lives. Never before have we stood so close to the edge of the real world, tiptoeing out of our youths as we prepare to test the waters of our future � and gingerly step out of our extended metaphors.


    And, don’t worry about it! Seriously, I think we’re ready! Me, I’m geared up to face rejection after rejection, but some day my parents will love me. No, I mean, I think we all realize that not everything in life will be easy, but we’re also young enough and eager enough that we won’t get bogged down in our failures. If we learn from our mistakes, then I’m ready to become a genius. As any of you who know me realize, I make mistakes as often as sitcom stars make babies. But, if we’re able to let our missteps in life shape our futures … If we’re able to brush off the stains from the lemons life may deal us and make Lemon-Flavored PowerAde … Well, then I think we’ll do just fine.


    I can’t promise we’ll all be successful. (Note: By “we,” I mean, “you.”) But, I am confident that our Brandeis experience has helped us master the art of taking what comes and not letting it bring us down. I wish all of us the best of luck — though I don’t think we’ll need it.


    Because even if we’re ready to deal with rejection, I think we succeeded at Brandeis. As a whole, we have accomplished what we set out to do here. And, in this case, by “we,” I mean “me.” And, by “what we set out to do here,” I mean, “finally finished my last damn Justice column.”

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    May 28th, 2002

    May 28, 2002 on 5:15 am | In Brandeis, The Lex Files

    I’m moving.

    I’m tired.

    Also: Sweaty.

    The “Lex” of the Lex Files is moving from Waltham, MA to Los Angeles, CA. Stalkers take notice. Next mission: Finding a job writing for television.

    Want to see the last Lex File ever written for the Justice? Check this out: This.

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    May 19th, 2002

    May 19, 2002 on 2:20 am | In Brandeis, Life Updates, Movies

    I’ve found that college seniors, after their last week of classes and few weeks of freedom before pounding the pavement, blog less often.

    I’ve also found that the movie Chasing Lanes was good, but too slow-paced.

    I’ve also found a lost puppy named Cheeto.

    One of these findings is a fake. Guess which!

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    May 7th, 2002

    May 7, 2002 on 4:39 pm | In Brandeis, Music

    I’ve had my last-ever Manginah show, except for one other Manginah show, but the other Manginah show doesn’t really count, even though it’s for a bunch of really really big-name Jews, like Bronfman and the Krafts.

    Our new CD came out, too. I arranged six of the fourteen songs, and I wrote lyrics to three of the fourteen songs, and I wrote original music to one of the fourteen songs.

    Spur’s CD should be coming out sometime before Bart Simpson turns 12.

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    Two new columns posted!

    May 1, 2002 on 3:34 am | In Brandeis

    One from last week and one from this week.

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    Well suited

    April 27, 2002 on 10:54 pm | In Brandeis, Lauren

    It’s the day of the senior formal. Lex is typing this (unusually) third-person Blog entry wearing a well-fitting, stylish tux. The vest / Eurotie ensemble he’s working is especially slick, and he’s even wondering how much it would cost to purchase said combo from the rental place.

    Lex and his fiancee Lauren had a romantic date last night; a big home-cooked dinner, and a rental of the DVD K-Pax. A good movie. We also rented Rat Race, which we’ll watch sometime when we’re not in formalwear.

    I got up at 7am today to meet some of the ‘people’ I’m working with on Spur’s unending CD project. How tiring and fun, except for fun.

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    April 24th, 2002

    April 24, 2002 on 4:14 pm | In Brandeis

    I’ve written my ‘celebrity friend’ a lot of postcards at this point. One a day, five days a week. I hope that’s not overwhelming. I’m wondering if the celeb’s assistants/mail readers have even shared a single postcard with him yet. You figure after 20 or so, they feel obligated just to let him know that this crazy guy is sending a postcard each day, right?

    Ted Koppel is giving the commencement address @ Brandeis. To bad I wasn’t writing him postcards this whole time. We could be tight already.

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    April 17th, 2002

    April 17, 2002 on 2:25 pm | In Brandeis, Life Updates

    Ever have one of those days where a journalist from a respected newspaper in Rochester, NY emails you asking about a column you wrote back in October? No? Well, that makes ONE of us.

    Because today I received an email from a journalist with the Democrat and Chronicle (motto: Kicking butt against the Republican and Journal for lo this thirteen years), and in it the reporter asked about one of my columns. My favorite part of the email is his salutation, which for some reason strikes me as comical:

    Lex Friedman,
    I stumbled across this and wondered when you wrote it:

    http://people.brandeis.edu/~lexfri/vege.html

    I also wondered your age (still 20?), what you are studying at Brandeis and
    in which city/town/village you live.

    Also, if I may ask, what is your daytime phone number, in case I needed to
    reach you with any further questions?

    I happen to be writing a story about why people hate vegetables. Perhaps I
    can mention you.

    My reply, essentially, was October 2001, 21, Linguistics and Cognitive Science, Waltham MA, 1-800-4-LEX-FRI, and “Because they taste bad.”

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    April 9th, 2002

    April 9, 2002 on 4:03 am | In Brandeis

    The Justice (the Brandeis newspaper) reported that Sweatin’-to-the-Oldies guru Richard Simmons will be our commencement speaker this year.

    It was the April Fools edition.

    Most people didn’t get it. I did.

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