The Lex Files

Memo to Charlie and Any Other Dogs Who Live Here

Memo: To Charlie and Any Other Dogs Who Live Here February 7th, 2008

Urination should occur outside. In a toilet is fine, if you can figure out how to work it, but we are more than happy for all of your urination to occur outdoors. You will find said outdoors right through the doggy door we installed when we first moved in.

We are not aiming for 99% cooperation with this rule. Failure, my best friend, is not an option.

What I’m saying is, peepee outside. If you peepee in the playroom again, I will peepee on your head.

How to take care of Charlie, should you suddenly and inexplicably be tasked with taking care of one of the world’s most medicated dogs.

Charlie is, at this point, a happy, healthy dog. But that’s only the case because of the veritable slew of drugs he takes. Charlie takes more drugs than Anna Nic– never mind, that’s inappropriate.

Twice a day, we inject Charlie with insulin. That’s because he has canine diabetes. (It would be even more interesting if he had, say, equine diabetes, but he doesn’t.) After each injection, Charlie currently takes two quarter-pills; one is for allergies and another is a doggy version of Motrin, to relieve swelling in his knees.

Every two to three weeks, we give Charlie an allergy shot.

Each night, we shake a third of a certain antibiotic pill’s contents onto Charlie’s food. This eliminates his tear staining and makes his food likes extra pretty.

I think he’s also snorting cocaine.

What Lex Has Been Up To

• Walks with Anya and Charlie
• Rewriting children’s music
• Creating a new video ode to Spring

Merry 2007

It’s been a good year for the Friedman family.

We sold a condo and bought a house. We moved from the west coast to the east coast. We made, and later had, a baby. Lauren and I have each changed job titles… twice. I won a $5,000 video contest and scored a free TiVo, and free baby clothes from TiVo to boot.

2006 has been one hell of a year. And with our family of 2 + dog becoming a family of 3 + dog, and my work being more promising/engaging/rewarding than ever, and our home becoming ever-homier — I think 2007 is poised to dethrone ‘06 as the best year ever.

We’ll see.

The Rock-Scissors.

Sunday morning, neither Lauren nor I were feeling particularly inclined to walk little Charlie. Charlie, not surprisingly, was feeling inclined to evacuate his bowels and stretch his legs. I tried to convince Lauren she would really enjoy the bonding experience of this particular walk; she wasn’t buying.

So, we decided to use the time-tested Friedman family approach to negotiation: Rock-Paper-Scissors.

But first, I fretted about the process a bit. Here’s the scene:

Lex: Okay, fine, rock-paper-scissors. But I don’t know what to throw! Lauren: You just have to pick one of the three options. Lex: I know, but they all have up-sides and down-sides. For example, rock is GOOD, because it beats scissors. But rock is BAD, because it gets beaten by paper. So rock won’t work. And the other options have plusses and minuses, too. Lauren: Yes. That’s how it works. Lex: Right, I know. I just wish there were a way to guarantee that you would lose. Lauren: That’s sweet. Lex: Hmm. Maybe I’ll throw the Rock-Scissors. (Lex extends his left hand in a fist, and his right hand in a peace sign to demonstrate.) The Rock-Scissors beats EVERYTHING!

(long pause)

Except rock. Both: Hahahahaha.

Lex loses. Charlie wins.

But he’s very affectionate

I started my new job this past Monday. The guy I share an office with likes to bark orders at various people who walk by us, and he tends to sit awfully close to me. He also demands attention on occasion at inopportune times, and mopes around if I’m not able to provide the attention desired at that moment.

I’m working from home, of course. And Charlie’s honestly a pleasure to spend the day with.

If your dog is your most affectionate partner in your life then you may be interested in a dating site where you can browse some personals and decide if the local dating scene might be for you from the comfort of home.

Who Needs Sleep?

NOT:
* My computer. It’s been on for one month as of today, with nary a single crash. I’m about to restart, just because it feels right. Plus, I’d like to restart my 7 permitted LaunchBar launch-count (yes, it’s shareware, and yes, I’m too cheap to register).

YES, OR SOME OTHER EQUIVALENT OPPOSITE OF ‘NOT’:
* Lauren. She fell asleep last night around 10pm, woke up this morning to walk Charlie, and promptly settled into the couch with Charlie and a cookbook (not some Thai doggie cookbook, a chicken-themed cookbook) — where she napped for two or three hours.

Crappy Tries

So…

I came home from work today and greeted Charlie. Mondays are often his toughest day, when he’s alone for the longest stretch of time, after a weekend of much family fun time.

He was extremely happy to see me. I made the daily inspection. Charlie very rarely poops in the house now, and when he does, it’s always on or very near his pee sheet. (Note: If you are offended by words like “poop” and “pee,” please do not read this post.)

In front of Charlie’s pee sheet today was his new purple plush squeaky bone, his favorite blanket, and a chicken-shaped toy.

Charlie had apparently not been able to find a giant neon sign with an arrow reading DON’T LOOK HERE!!.

It was a very, very small amount of solid doggy accident, but the cover-up earned big laughs.

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking,

“Lex, what would happen if I put an ear of corn in a pot and placed it on the stove, turned the stove on, and forgot about the pot for about 45 minutes?”

Well, I’ll tell you:

1. The water level in the pot will go way down.
2. The corn will be somewhat well-done. It will not have any usual texture or flavor, surprisingly.
3. It will be very very very hot, so you should try to resist the urge to bite into right away like an idiot.

Also, if you have a dog named Charlie, he will look at you quizically when you yelp in pain after tasting the overcooked searingly hot corn too fast.

One nation, under dog

So, we’re working on getting back into the swing of things, which is more difficult than it sounds.

For example, after several weeks of either not working or just working for a few days, my wife Lauren and I are now back to working “full time.” Frankly, getting married and going on the honeymoon was more amusing.

We are back home with our dog, which is great fun. He has a lot of good habits now, and very few bad ones, and the nine dollar eBook I bought yesterday might just help us train him on a few other tricks I want him to learn. (He’s mastered sit, lie down, roll over, up, jump, around, come (several claps also work for this one), and we’re working on a variety of others. Stay is the one I’m trying to teach at the moment; so far, Charlie thinks the term means something like, oh, “DON’T stay.”

Yesterday, Charlie and I were playing around, running throughout the house. (This game would not have worked in the old apartment.) Then, my lovely and charming dog crashed into me at approximately 600 miles an hour. I’m about 185 lbs, and Charlie’s pushing 5 and a half, so sadly he was the injured party.

What followed were the worst and saddest dog cries I have ever heard. He was limping with his front paw, and we took him into the vet after a quick phone call. It’s just soft tissue damage, and we’re supposed to keep it easy for the next few days, although Charlie would rather jump off our balcony and see how he lands I think — he’s ready for new adventures and running and jumping and doesn’t understand why his parents are being such lame-o losers.

If you have trouble picking food for your dog because of all the brands and types of pet food out there then you might want to consult the web to find other opinions on the best dog foods on the market. The same goes for picking a dog breed for your first dog since there are many sites online where different breeds of dogs are discussed.