The Swedish Shark: A Jaws Sequel

December 26, 2006 on 8:52 am | In Food, Modern Technology, Things of Amusement to Me

Starring Lauren. Directed by Jake. Filmed by me.

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    I know what you’re thinking.

    October 27, 2003 on 5:03 pm | In Charlie, Food

    You’re thinking,

    “Lex, what would happen if I put an ear of corn in a pot and placed it on the stove, turned the stove on, and forgot about the pot for about 45 minutes?”

    Well, I’ll tell you:

    1. The water level in the pot will go way down.
    2. The corn will be somewhat well-done. It will not have any usual texture or flavor, surprisingly.
    3. It will be very very very hot, so you should try to resist the urge to bite into right away like an idiot.

    Also, if you have a dog named Charlie, he will look at you quizically when you yelp in pain after tasting the overcooked searingly hot corn too fast.

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    Tada!

    September 5, 2003 on 1:43 am | In Family, Food, Lauren, Life Updates

    I am now, officially, Mr. Lauren Friedman.

    (My dad loves that joke.)

    We did a wedding, and we did it but good. (That is not a joke related to my past medical problemos.)

    Even though Lauren — this is true — laughed when she repeated the Rabbi’s translation as she said the word husband (she blames nerves), I think this marriage is gonna stick. My brother-in-law Guy gave a swell toast, although his wife, my sister Abbi, did have to advise him:

    - Not to make jokes about my past, behind-related medical problems
    - Not to steal Jerry Seinfeld’s joke about “If I’m the best man, why’s she marrying you?”
    - Not to make a ‘lost-in-the-translation’ joke pretending that he thought he was actually supposed to have crispy bread

    Lauren’s sisters both toasted us as well, and the average length of their two toasts was probably about three minutes, even though one of the two sibling speeches lasted only about 10 seconds. You do the math.

    The band learned our song quite well — “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” by Starship, Jefferson Starship, or Jefferson Airplane… It’s hard to tell, since the group’s used all three names. The song was the theme from the brilliant 80s movie Mannequin, and Lauren and I — or should I say, “the missus and I,” really love the tune for all its sappiness.

    We cut the cake at some point, but I didn’t get to eat enough of it, and the reception hall didn’t give us the top tier to save, so boohoo on the first anniversary tradition. The photographers and videographer made us recreate some piviotal ceremony moments — the chuppah had been a bit crowded — during the cocktail hour, so I didn’t get any wontons, either. I was able to cut to the front of lines at the cocktail stations during the hour, which was certainly nice.

    I had ordered the chateau briand (French for “house of Brian D.”), but it tasted like Chateau Le Feet that Stepped in Mud and Poop, so I ordered the stuffed chicken dinner as well, which was better.

    For the first 24 hours after the wedding, I referred to Lauren only as Mrs. Friedman and “Wife.” I learned prior to the wedding that “Wifey” is off-limits.

    It took me longer to realize that, in addition to ‘having’ a wife, I also am a husband, which is shocking, but somewhat logical after the first part.

    Meanwhile, back in the jungle, Charlie is re-acclimating to California pretty well, although he’s only pooped once today and has been walked three times. You’d think that since he left the Los Angeles airport, he’d be literally rarin’ to “go,” since he’s now ex-LAX.

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    Bubbles

    April 25, 2003 on 11:52 pm | In Food

    After my surgery today, I asked for a Coke to soothe my throat, since they had rudely shoved some pipe down my throat just so I could “breathe” or something. The male nurse gave me water, and advised me that Coke was bad for me. “You know how they get the bubbles in there?” he asked. “Carbon dioxide,” he answered before I could reply.

    “Really??!!!” I thought. And here I thought they had a full time staff whose job it was to blow bubbles furiously into each can before sealing the lid.

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    January 24th, 2003

    January 24, 2003 on 6:35 pm | In Food, Things of Amusement to Me

    Why don’t they miniaturize meats and put them in doughy blankets more often?

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    Kabob and Chinese Food

    December 22, 2002 on 8:20 pm | In Food, Lauren

    That’s a funny name for a restaurant.

    I had dinner there tonight with Lauren and our Brandeis friends Robbie and Ali. It reminded me very much of being at school, except for the finals, the studying, the homework, the cafeteria food, etc. One collective thing that really came rushing back, as intense as a memory could get, were the names of all the people who I hate(d) at Brandeis, whose existence I had somewhat forgotten.

    You know who you are. Or you don’t. But I don’t care.

    Special note to Brandeis: Thanks for offering your first-ever BA in Creative Writing starting next year. I appreciate that.

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    November 18th, 2002

    November 18, 2002 on 10:42 pm | In Food, Life Updates

    have had the hiccups since 10 o’clock this morning.

    I think I’m gonna die.

    It started harmlessly enough. Hiccups are funny. I’ve laughed about this already today.

    But this is unacceptable. Completely unacceptable.

    I’ve held my breath — for two solid minutes or so. I’ve had tall glasses of water. And chocolate milk. And Coke.

    I just had two teaspoonfuls of sugar. And almost hiccupped the second spoonful up.

    Lord help me.

    I am in pain from this already.

    Stop laughing at me, you jerks.

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    October 30th, 2002

    October 30, 2002 on 4:18 pm | In Family, Food, Leth and Sex News

    Blog Fiction fans rejoice. There’s an update to the story. It’s almost showtime!

    In other news, for the first time, I posted to the wrong Blog. I meant to post about AIM away messages here, but I put it on Leth & Sex instead. Before I could correct the problem, Seth had replied.


    This isn’t a bad thing, per se — or per hour, per diem, or per anything else.


    I’m buying bananas today. Thanks for the tips, Mom!

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    October 28th, 2002

    October 28, 2002 on 7:59 pm | In Food

    “Just add water” chicken soups that contain no chicken are stupid.

    Is there a dehydrated creature running around out there to which one can “just add blood” and it’ll be a 100% chicken-free chicken?


    The non-sequitur illogical defense rests its incomprehensible case.

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    What About Carrots?

    October 25, 2002 on 7:00 am | In Food

    Vegetables.

    Can’t eat them, can’t live without them. This holds true for myself, at least.

    I really really hate vegetables. I eat corn-on-the-cob and french fries, but the vegetable eating ends there. Not even carrots. Or baked potatoes. Or turnips. Or raddishes. Or onions.

    Or fruits. I hate fruits, too. I eat apples and bananas, but only very very rarely. That’s it for fruits, though. I’m thinking of getting back on the banana bandwagon (which sounds like a fun amusement park ride), because someone on TV said that bananas were like medicine.

    I have reached a point in my life where I’ll adjust my diet because someone on TV told me to. Unless the TV person says to eat other vegetables or fruits, because that ain’t gonna happen. Bananas, maybe. But I don’t know how to shop for bananas. I mean, I suppose it involves going to the store and wandering around aimlessly till you find the banana aisle. But after that, I don’t know if I want a full yellow peel, a black and yellow peel, a green peel, a repeal, pealonoidal cyst, or what.

    I wish I liked vegetables, though. I like the sound it makes when people crunch into a salad. And I hate having to give back the free salad that comes with your entree, since I don’t get any compensation (say, free ice cream).

    I wish I liked vegetables so that I could get my money’s worth at restaurants, and I’m thinking about bringing bananas back into my life because of something I heard on TV seconds before changing the channel. For all I know, the sentence went:

    “Bananas are like medicine [click]… They can kill you.

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