The Lex Files

A Jew Sings the Songs Of Christmas

Internet Purim

We Jews just celebrated the holiday of Purim. I really enjoyed this article and its take on Purim: The Movie.

Now that many online college degrees are available, ranging from an online law degree to some sort of online education degree, there is much more flexibility in online degree possibilities. Even if you don’t want to get a whole elementary education degree online you can at least start getting some credits for the future.

The Family Guy

My whole family’s been here since Christmas. Or, as we Jews call it, International Jesus Appreciation Day.

We went to Disney’s California Adventure on Sunday, which was great fun. Then, a few of us went back Monday morning to Cali. Adv. (as we Jews call it) and put into practice a theory we had developed and lightly tested the day before.

We rode ’single-rider.’

You go to the front of the line with your group. You then alert the “Cast Member” (or “employee,” as we Jews call it) that you’re a single rider, and when a car doesn’t have enough riders, they sub you in. And if they’re two short for a car, they sub you and your friend in. Three — “shalosh” as we Jews call it — and they sub the three of you in.

We rode “Flight of the Condor” (and if that’s not the right name, trust that it’s what we Jews call it) in 5 minutes. It had a 70 minute wait. And we rode a water ride after three minutes waiting, instead of 120.

It’s definitely the way to do Disney.

Of course, after another ride, we went to the Magic Kingdom on Monday. The promised availability of Kosher food (or “food,” as we Jews call it) was a big lie — one restaurant with Kosher offerings was out of everything but steamed cabbage, the other with Kosher offerings wouldn’t let us in at all. And the average lines were greater than 120 minute waits.

Disneyland certainly lived up that day to its nickname — “The Crappiest Place On Earth.”

Nine Days Before Christmas

‘Twas nine days before Christmas
And across the U.S.
Most bells were a-jingling,
Most malls were a mess

The radio stations
Played carols galore –
“White Christmas,” “…a Manger,”
“White Christmas” once more!

The nogs were a-egging,
Most presents not wrapped
As quite a few Santa’s Lap
Pictures were snapped.

‘Twas a time of much cheer,
When most spirits soared…
Except the few whose
Views on the Lord

Differed from the mainstream,
The popular crowd –
Yes, the Jewish folk,
Your mind has mumbled aloud

“Merry Christmas” we Jews hear
From most passers-by
And, “That Jesus, he sure is
One heck of a guy!”

We’re happy you’re happy
At this time of year
We’ll tide ourselves over
For your yuletide cheer

Your trees will be up
For a few months too long,
But we’ll just sit back
With “The Channukah Song”

And wait out this Christmas,
As we’ve done before
Cuz we’ll get to party
Come next Yom Kippur.

Not Broadcasting Cordially

So, NBC tried to screw over TiVo users everywhere last night. I knew it was going to happen, and I planned accordingly, but doing this sucks.

Basically, after supersizing Friends (which is ok if they must, though it seems like a half hour show with extra ads), NBC chose to adjust the times for other shows like ER — so they would run from, say, 9:58 to 11:01.

This has the added advantage of convincing TiVo into thinking that if you have a 9-10pm or 11pm-12am show to record, that there’s a conflict, and one of them will be skipped, depending on your Season Pass Priorities.

NBC can bite me.

And, finally…

If you’re Jewish, Happpy New Year! If you’re Christian, Merry Christmas!

See you Monday.

April 2nd, 2002

So I haven’t updated my blog in like, forever. As my mom points out. Even though, of course, I’ve been living in the same crowded home with her for the past week or so.

It’s Passover, a Jewish holiday celebrating indigestion and uncooked bread. Man, do we Jews know how to party or what?


I’m in California with my parents, my fiance, my aunt, uncle, and cousin, staying at my sister’s family’s house (with her, her husband, and their two young daughters). My other sister was here for a while too. Sadly, my sister and her family have yet to purchase the mansion they deserve, so things are a little cramped. But what can you do?


Anyway, I registered again. This time, at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. We did not register for any beds or baths, but we did do the beyond.

September 28th, 2001

So, Yom Kippur is over. It was a 27 hour fast. I was at services all day. In the morning, I was at services from 9am sharp till just before 3pm. The evening service went from 4:30 to 7:15.

And besides not eating the whole time, I engaged in one other act of self-denial: I stood the whole time. Long story short: Former suitemate Adam’s late grandfather always stood for the entire service; Adam is continuing the tradition, and, well, I’m I’m helping.

As a bonus, standing for the entire service while fasting does add a layer of religious depth. If, by “religious depth,” you mean, “your legs get really tired.”

Also, my writing class loved my first story. Like, loved it. But what do they know?

September 26th, 2001

Christians have all the luck. When they have a holiday, it’s like, “Hey, let’s go out looking for eggs!” We have a holiday, and we give up bread and edible food. They put ash on their foreheads… We give up all food and drink (even water!) for 26ish hours.

Seriously, you know what I like about fasting?

Nothing.

We’re having 30 of our closest friends over for the break fast. Everyone invited had to bring something from our long list of food and various other items we need. Someone’s bringing bagels, someone’s bringing plates, someone’s bringing lox. Lauren made two kugels and a Kit Kat Kake. Me, I offered my house. My work here is done.

Next entry won’t be till Thursday late night.