The Lex Files

Oh Do Not Forsake Me

Blog: Lex, why do you forsake me so? Why do you leave me barren and alone, like a very old woman in the desert?

Lex: Well, first, blog, I appreciate your use of the simile. Similes always make me smile.

Blog: Thank you.

Lex: You’re quite welcome.

Blog: Word.

Lex: But you’re absolutely right. I have forsaken you, and through little to no fault of your own. Other than all the spam you suck in on a daily basis, forcing me to filter out thousands of comments a day, you’re a very sweet, loving, and affectionate blog.

Blog: Like your wife.

Lex: Okay, weirder simile, but acceptable. A good Mother’s Day shout-out/reference, at any rate. Happy Mother’s Day, Lauren!

Blog: Let’s get back to me.

Lex: Okay, fair enough. It’s hardly “always about you,” so we’ll make just this one time about you instead.

Blog: Appreciated.

Lex: Blog, it’s not that I don’t love you as much as any man can love his non-sentient web log. It’s just that I have so many loves and needs in my life.

Blog: Here we go again. It’s not me, it’s you.

Lex: Hey, hey, hey. You know I want to write in you all the time. But I have a nearly 19-month-old daughter! She takes a lot of time, as you might imagine. And I blog about her from time to time, sometimes with humorous results.

Blog: Wait, you’re posting funny stuff over on the Baby Blog and not here?

Lex: In certain situations, yes.

Blog: Listen, Lextacular. Other parents blog. It can be done. Don’t blame this on Anya — that’s crap.

Lex: Ouch. Words can hurt, blog.

Blog: Sorry. So, don’t blame this on Anya… that’s… hooey.

Lex: Fair enough. It is certainly true that other parents blog. But I also have a very Demanding job, and I’m working on a rather enormous project, not to mention creating a video-based comedy news show once a week.

Blog: Blah, blah, blah.

Lex: I know. When I have free time once Anya’s asleep, I like to spend time with Lauren. Or read. Or, yes, watch one of the shows we TiVo religiously. And I don’t want to shortchange you.

Blog: Shortchange me?! What the hell?! You don’t write anything here for weeks at a time and you claim you don’t want to shortchange me?!

Lex: That’s a lot of question-mark-exclamation-points. You may want to research the interrobang.

Blog: The what‽

Lex: Exactly. But the thing is, I hate writing on you while also doing something else, like watching television. I’m proudest of you when the writing shared here is something I’ve spent some time and attention on crafting.

Blog: Well, that’s sweet.

Lex: Yes.

Blog: Like a sweet, sweet nectarine, whose insides have been replaced with chocolate, and whose outside has been replaced with a crunchy white chocolate shell.

Lex: Some of your similes are forced.

Blog: Some of your dialogue is too, asshole.

The Religion of Politics

Lauren and I have been discussing the parallels between religions and politics. When Hillary mentions the Republicans, the crowd boos like she shouted “Haman.” When Romney mentions, I don’t know, whatever crazy Mormon politicians say, his throngs of beleivers hoot and holler like they’re having revelations. His supporters started chanting words from his speech right along with him, “Dayeinu”-style.

Dad’s Night In

Last night, Lauren enjoyed a Moms’ Night Out. (The nice thing about said Moms’ Night Out is that it’s with a group of moms whose husbands all participate in my occasional Dads’ Night Out.) The ladies enjoyed a meal at a newish Italian restaurant, where I presume they spent most of their evening talking about how wonderful their husbands are. And handsome. And hilarious.

Of course, when Mommy has a night out, Daddy has a night in. That meant I got to have solo duty on (most of) Anya’s dinner, and all of her post-dinner play, plus the getting-ready-for-bed-routine, and the actual going-to-bed-routine.

I’m a fan of this process, of course. It’s a blast getting extra 1-on-1 time with Anya; we just don’t get that much during the work week. Bonding as a family is wonderful fun, but 1-on-1 time is an excellent treat that’s special in its own way.

Of course, once Ani is sleeping soundly, Dad’s Night In kicks into a different gear. That’s when I break out the booze, the smokes, and the debauchery. By which I mean, “Watch Movies That Lauren Has Absolutely No Interest In Seeing.” Last night’s: Tenacious D: In the Pick of Destiny.

TDITPOD, as I call it, was much better than I expected, a brilliant mix of stupid comedy with ridiculous comic acoustic rock. You know, like The Godfather.

Losing Isn’t Everything

During dinner, Grandpa Marty (my father-in-law, who’s bacheloring it up this week as his wife is in Florida) came over to visit us — especially Anya. After dinner, some playtime, and a path, Anya headed up for nursing and bedtime.

Marty and I headed to the basement for some Boccerball, an amazingly, bizarrely fun table game given to me by my parents for my birthday late last year.

Marty soundly kicked my ass in our first two games, 5-0, 5-1. Our third game, I led 3-2, but we were rained out: Anya went to sleep in her crib, and Lauren let us know that the noise from the basement really carried (courtesy of the vents), and you could hear everything we were doing in her room. We figured better safe (no crying cranky baby) than sorry (yes crying cranky baby).

Marty, Lauren, and I then played a few games: Wise and Otherwise, which Lauren won convincingly. Then UNO, which Marty crushed us in. Lauren (unhappy to have her winning streak come to such an abrupt end, perhaps!) bailed on us at that point, at which point Marty and I played a few games of Texas Hold ‘Em. I won the first one for no money, he won the second two games played for $10 apiece.

Then we played the card game Malarkey. In a nail-biter, I managed to win that one. Barely.

Marty went home — it was 11pm. Lauren had gone up to bed about five minutes before our final game ended. She was still awake as I came into the bedroom, and without explanation, I challenged her to a best of 3 set of Rock Paper Scissors.

Lauren, hesitant but loving, agreed. We both threw scissors first. I threw scissors again, to her paper. Then I threw paper, which covered her rock.

I had to make sure that I can still be a winner, and that my minimal victories this evening weren’t flukes.

Happy Birthday to My Wife

It’s my best friend’s birthday today. On occasion, I’ve posted lovey-dovey birthday messages on this very blog, full of affection.

But Lauren doesn’t read my blog. So I gave her lovey-dovey messages in person instead. And I’m using today’s blog space to passive-aggressively chastise her for not reading the genius that is The Lex Files.

Anya and I gave Lauren a treadmill. (No, I wasn’t sending Lauren a message… Unless the message you mean was: “Yes, I love you enough to get you the expensive present you wanted so much.”)

Violence and the Family

Lauren and I were discussing violence today (because I was watching a movie with gratuitous amounts of same). Lauren, like nature, abhors violence.

Lex: If you could go back in time and kill Hitler, and then come back and be with your family, would you do it? You have to pull the trigger.

Lauren: No consequences for me?

Lex: No consequences. Except, during the shooting, you get some of his blood on you.

Lauren: Does he have AIDS?

I have married the awesomest woman on the planet, my friends.

Too much fun.

I am having too much fun:

• at work
• with the baby
• with my Nintendo Wii
• did I mention Anya?
• watching Lauren as a mommy

… to blog more frequently. Oh well.

Merry 2007

It’s been a good year for the Friedman family.

We sold a condo and bought a house. We moved from the west coast to the east coast. We made, and later had, a baby. Lauren and I have each changed job titles… twice. I won a $5,000 video contest and scored a free TiVo, and free baby clothes from TiVo to boot.

2006 has been one hell of a year. And with our family of 2 + dog becoming a family of 3 + dog, and my work being more promising/engaging/rewarding than ever, and our home becoming ever-homier — I think 2007 is poised to dethrone ‘06 as the best year ever.

We’ll see.

My (video) response to some comments I’ve received in the Yahoo! Talent Show

I’ve submitted this new video, which has become Lauren’s favorite, wherein I respond to some of the comments my submissions have received in the Yahoo! Talent Show.

Announcement…

Introducing Anya Haley Friedman!