The Lex Files

I like my iPod touch

The subject really says it all. But I’m quite pleased with the purchase, and already find that I’m using my laptop measurably less. It (the iPod) is a great little device. One day I will no doubt be a true iPhone owner, but given how rarely I leave the house and our existing stellar contract with TMobile, I just can’t justify that purchase of the phone right now…

What animals are really thinking

Hilarious.

Bummed

The Lex Files is officially bummed at news of George Carlin’s passing.

The Seth Is Yet To Come

Thanks to a real genius, Seth Brown has a blog again.

What do you do when your show is cancelled?

I originally was going to post the following entry on the Official Cracked Blog, but we decided not to:

Until recently, I hosted Cracked.com’s world-famous* Week in Douchebaggery. A few days before last Friday’s show, I was unceremoniously fired.

Okay, that’s a lie. There was a big “We’re Firing Lex” party. My firing was extremely ceremonious. Swaim was there to offer me some moral support: “I told ya you should have had a few more websites as characters in your video,” he said. “Those always work.” I left him to polish his gold-plated musket.

For a while, there was talk of having Cracked editor Jack O’Brien take over the show. His charm and dapper good looks give him at least two advantages over me, and the thought was that if we didn’t have any good jokes for him, he could just smile his suave, “I-ooze-sexuality” smile and still hit the homepage of Digg. Or at least Reddit. But Jack decided he’s too busy banging hot chicks who are just a little too short to be real models, but cute enough to sell Snorg tees. I can’t say I blame him. At least not on camera. Since I’ve been, you know, cancelled.

Gladstone was there, at the Firing Lex Ceremony. He tried not to mention that his recurrent “Hate by Numbers” video bit is still alive and kicking, and that it’s hit the homepage of Digg more than [abusive celebrity X] hit [victimized celebrity Y]. You know what, Gladstone? Your self-serving grin said it all. Get a goddamn first name. And a real green-screen while you’re at it. The Week in Douchebaggery might not have had an audience, or “good writing,” or “return on investment,” or “a point,” but we had a real goddamn green-screen.

So, what do I do now each week, instead of scouring the world’s press for douchebagginess in the news? Great question, self. I’m glad I asked me that.

The answer is, I compete in Internet-based contests. Specifically, I’m trying to be named a “Master of Song-Fu.” You can scroll down to the bottom and vote for me right here.

Sure, my entry into the contest may lack the talent, emotion, or singing ability that some of the competition offer. But it’s keeping me off the street, and that’s something. My good friend Swaim begged up and down Cracked.com for votes in that YouTube contest a month or two ago. Does anyone out there still have love for That Douchebag Guy? I’m not above begging.

It’s pretty much how I eat these days.

* Both my parents watched it, and my wife sometimes, too.

The Last Ever Week in Douchebaggery

Sad but true: Enjoy the last-ever episode of Cracked’s Week in Douchebaggery, hosted by me.

Continuing the Lex Files tradition of mentioning Jake Rubin on occasion

We proudly cite this article:

“I don’t know if they yelled, ‘Is there a doctor in the house?’ ” said his spokesman Jake Rubin.

Oh Do Not Forsake Me

Blog: Lex, why do you forsake me so? Why do you leave me barren and alone, like a very old woman in the desert?

Lex: Well, first, blog, I appreciate your use of the simile. Similes always make me smile.

Blog: Thank you.

Lex: You’re quite welcome.

Blog: Word.

Lex: But you’re absolutely right. I have forsaken you, and through little to no fault of your own. Other than all the spam you suck in on a daily basis, forcing me to filter out thousands of comments a day, you’re a very sweet, loving, and affectionate blog.

Blog: Like your wife.

Lex: Okay, weirder simile, but acceptable. A good Mother’s Day shout-out/reference, at any rate. Happy Mother’s Day, Lauren!

Blog: Let’s get back to me.

Lex: Okay, fair enough. It’s hardly “always about you,” so we’ll make just this one time about you instead.

Blog: Appreciated.

Lex: Blog, it’s not that I don’t love you as much as any man can love his non-sentient web log. It’s just that I have so many loves and needs in my life.

Blog: Here we go again. It’s not me, it’s you.

Lex: Hey, hey, hey. You know I want to write in you all the time. But I have a nearly 19-month-old daughter! She takes a lot of time, as you might imagine. And I blog about her from time to time, sometimes with humorous results.

Blog: Wait, you’re posting funny stuff over on the Baby Blog and not here?

Lex: In certain situations, yes.

Blog: Listen, Lextacular. Other parents blog. It can be done. Don’t blame this on Anya — that’s crap.

Lex: Ouch. Words can hurt, blog.

Blog: Sorry. So, don’t blame this on Anya… that’s… hooey.

Lex: Fair enough. It is certainly true that other parents blog. But I also have a very Demanding job, and I’m working on a rather enormous project, not to mention creating a video-based comedy news show once a week.

Blog: Blah, blah, blah.

Lex: I know. When I have free time once Anya’s asleep, I like to spend time with Lauren. Or read. Or, yes, watch one of the shows we TiVo religiously. And I don’t want to shortchange you.

Blog: Shortchange me?! What the hell?! You don’t write anything here for weeks at a time and you claim you don’t want to shortchange me?!

Lex: That’s a lot of question-mark-exclamation-points. You may want to research the interrobang.

Blog: The what‽

Lex: Exactly. But the thing is, I hate writing on you while also doing something else, like watching television. I’m proudest of you when the writing shared here is something I’ve spent some time and attention on crafting.

Blog: Well, that’s sweet.

Lex: Yes.

Blog: Like a sweet, sweet nectarine, whose insides have been replaced with chocolate, and whose outside has been replaced with a crunchy white chocolate shell.

Lex: Some of your similes are forced.

Blog: Some of your dialogue is too, asshole.

Lex on TV

And, of course, talking about douchebags:

The New York Time’s

Even the New York Times sucks at apostrophes:

The show is now in it’s seventh season.